One of the gut wrenching situations you may have to face is when your child asks you or your spouse, “Are you my father?” When affairs have ‘surprise’ children, there are numerous tough questions that come up.
When the child, which has been raised as your own is not really your own there are challenges. Do you tell your spouse that they are not the father? Do you tell your child that ‘daddy’ is not their daddy? Do you tell the birth father or hope that they somehow forget about what happened? The answers to each of these questions are tough, in that there are no easy answers. With each answer, someone is going to get feelings hurt.
There may even be situations where the true father of child has no idea there is a child, and the mother has raised it as their biological child. In such situations whose rights should determine things, the child or the biological father’s? Or should the peace be kept and the secret remain hushed?
In considering this topic, the first question is how often this happens. There have been numbers ranging from 1% to 30% of children not knowing who their father is. My suspicion is that it is closer to the 1-2%. When you consider that maybe 1/3 of marriages deal with affairs, if the 1%-2% figure holds, then the likelihood of this happening is small. However small the numbers may be, this is still not an issue you want to have to face.
The issue of unwanted children is heartbreaking enough. Having an ‘unwanted child’ or a ‘surprise’ affair child, or any child as part of the affair is difficult. This difficulty exists whether you are the cheater, or the lover or the betrayed spouse. Each of the parties has a role and a relationship to a child, some willingly, some unwillingly.
What I can tell you about dealing with such issues are that:
1) There are no easy answers. You need to give up hopes of finding one.
2) You have to realize that people are going to get hurt and accept that. Trying to navigate to where the fewest get hurt or the hurt is minimal may drag you deeper into deception and paranoia than you thought possible.
3) It will take some work to discover what the ‘right’ thing to do is. This means you will have to do some serious soul searching, praying, studying and consulting with preachers and learned people to find some direction.
4) You have to look at the situation from many perspectives.
The question of who is my father is one that does not fade with time. As the child gets older, the dynamics of the situation will change. This means that you will have to revisit this issue several times. You will have to re-evaluate and be open to changes in your child’s maturity and the changing circumstances that surround you. In order to keep the changes to a minimum, you want to strive to do ‘what is right’ rather than what avoids conflict.
Finding ‘what is right’ may require that you consider legal and moral precedents for all parties. If the child is not yours and was born out of wedlock in a fling between the cheater and lover, it is not legally yours to support. Likewise if you had the child, and your husband is not the ‘father’, the amount of pressure you can put on them is limited.
If you are the lover on the outside, you may find yourself powerless to do much, if anything about the situation. Accepting the helplessness is often a tough challenge. My e-book entitled “Why Wasn’t I Enough?” is a collection of many of the most frequently asked questions related to affairs.
Feel free to write to me with your thoughts and comments on this challenging issue.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
Precious DrJeff,
You have broached such a very messy topic! Thank goodness for that!
First, a thought…..That this question would ever have to be asked is proof positive that God’s ways are best, that we need Him more than ever! My ‘war-cry’ is :”Stay in your own bed, people!”
That way, this question would have never even come into anyone’s mind. Anyone who thinks God’s standards are ‘old-fashioned’ & ‘out-of-date’ just do not comprehend the emotional damage that has been caused by flouting his laws. Or they do not give a ‘flyin’ flip’!
Though I have not had to deal with this personally, I have loved ones who have had to deal with some version or variation of this. In some cases, it was not adultery, as none of the parties were married. However, that is the next worst thing next to adultery, as God’s standards are that sexual relations are to be enjoyed exclusively within the bonds of Godly marriage. And for good reason! as we can all atest.
One example is my daughter-in-law. She is 27 years old and still does not know who her biological father is, even though her ‘mother’ has repeatedly promised to tell her. She has endured multiple paternity tests through the years, only to have her hopes dashed over and over. Seems her ‘mother’ can not quite remember who fathered this precious child! Just sick!
Another situation that hurts my heart: One of my brother-in-laws (now in his 60’s) found out years & years after the fact that a short-term girlfriend had his child. He did not even suspect she was pregnant when they went their separate ways, as the relationship was very short-lived and she did not tell him she was pregnant. Only years later, when that child was a father himself, did my brother-in-law (by that time properly married) had a son & a grandson. Had he reserved sexual intimacies for marriage, this would have never happened. There is much more (pain!) to this story than I am sharing here, all due to not staying in your own (marriage) bed!
And then there is my nephew,(who did stay in his own bed) the one whose (now) ex-wife had the horrific affair with cheaterpants. (cheaterpants is said nephew’s biological Uncle….pretty sick stuff here….) Nephew’s oldest child ‘s paternity has never been fully established, even though my nephew claims her as his own and loves her dearly. The last child born while he was married to that whore had to be tested to be sure it was his. It is. (….though cheaterpants was devastated, as he had hoped it was his, even though is is married to me…..) So, over & over, devastation because some people did not ‘stay in their own bed’!
And leaving little one’s to ask: “Are You My Daddy?”
Forge on with your message, My Friend….Love to all……
Sherri,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with this matter. You are correct, the origin is not always adultery. Although it does not always involve adultery, it does share the common themes of lies, deceit and betrayal with adultery. These are often heart breaking situations. Had people followed God’s standards, such situations would not happen so often. Those standards are not about keeping us from fun or enjoying life, they are about protecting us from pain, and more situations that are next to impossible to handle.
He wants to keep us from heartache. When it comes to sexuality, we often bring heartache into our own lives.
Your words are encouraging. This topic had been heavy on my heart and I felt it needed addressing.