What’s the big deal about affairs?

In a recent business consultation, the question came up “What is the big deal about affairs?” the consultant went on in addressing how in parts of the country, there are some people who sincerely see nothing wrong with affairs. There are also some business people who views affairs as natural and routine. For such populations, when they ask “What is the big deal about affairs?” they are being genuine. They do not see any problems with the behavior. In asking the question, they are not trying to justify or excuse, they honestly do not see the problem with affairs.

The consultant went on in his discussion, talking about a recent divorce he experienced, and how if the topic of an affair came up where he lived, the lawyers would dismiss it as ‘no big deal’ and treat it as nothing worth considering in terms of the divorce.

I don’t know about you, yet on hearing his story, my reaction was one of “how sad” it is that such a large segment of people genuinely do not see the big deal about an affair. It is tragic when you consider that such people have grown so accustomed to lies, betrayal, deceit and broken promises in marriages that an affair is ‘no big deal’.  For them to consider such actions, ‘no big deal’ tells me that they are likely more calloused than they realize.

Have you considered that the federal government still considers it a crime when you lie or give false information to them. How is it that it is a crime to lie to the government, but ‘no big deal’ to lie to your spouse? That tells me that something is wrong with priorities.

When you consider that cheating on your taxes is something than can land you in jail, yet cheating in the most intimate relationship in your life is not considered problematic, there are some value problems.

These are not only value problems, it is a value disconnect. You can not have lying and cheating being considered crimes in one area of your life, yet are routine and no big deal in other areas of your life.  This sets up a huge cognitive dissonance, where you have one set of values for one part of your existence and another for your marriage.  Trying to maintain two sets of rules that are contradictory in nature is crazy making stuff.

In terms of the psychology of family relationships, there are theories that trying to live with such contradictory messages and rules are at the root of schizophrenic functioning. It strikes me odd that psychologists can see the crazy making of such messages in families, yet are willing to accept the contradictory values of society that embraces such values. I don’t know about you, but for me that is a HUGE disconnect.

Rules for healthy relationships should be consistent across the board. If lies are tolerable, then they should be tolerable in all relationships. If cheating and infidelity are tolerable, they should be tolerable at all levels of relationships. If betrayal is no big deal at one level of relationship, it should be no big deal at other levels of relationships.

I am not saying that some parts of the country and some businesses are schizophrenic in how they do things. I am saying that in all likelihood, the people living in those areas or involved in those business areas have likely not taken the time to think through how they are living. They are likely trying to avoid conflict and do not want to be bothered with having to consider any inconsistencies in their lives. They do not want to be bothered with having their crazy-making value system exposed.

When a crazy-making value system is exposed, it puts you in a state of cognitive dissonance. You are momentarily caught in a position where you realize that something ‘does not compute’. You suddenly realize the in-congruence of things. There is a discomfort in having your in-congruent values exposed. The social reformers may call it a ‘double standard’, the Bible refers to it as ‘double-mindedness’ and the literary may call it double speak. Whatever you call it, when double life, with contradictory values, and differentiated thinking are exposed, it leaves you filled with discomfort.

At that point, you are faced with choices. You can compartmentalize things. This involves viewing business as business and personal as personal. Although this works initially, it often leads to business values being applies to personal relationships. When this spreads, even your marriage starts being viewed as business contract rather than a marriage covenant.

When you start viewing your marriage as a business contract, then when you no longer see the utility and usefulness of the arrangement, it is not a big deal to make modifications. Congratulations, your business thinking has taken over your relationships. Life and your marriage has at that point become just another business transaction.

Besides compartmentalizing, you could just change your reference point. With this approach, your definitions of right and wrong are based on comparison with a reference point. That reference point may be specific or intentionally left vague and undefined. When left undefined, you may find yourself justifying many behaviors by saying ‘everyone else is doing it’. The vaguely defined ‘everyone else’ becomes your reference point.

Using this approach can appease your conscience for a little while, but over time can lead to a very narcissistic situation, since you are really not operating on values defined by “everyone” else. You are operating on a personal value system and use the vague “everyone is doing it” to justify whatever you want to do. In this case, all you have to do is find one or two examples and you exaggerate it to become ‘everyone’.

There is also the pragmatic, live for the moment approach. In this approach, you consider only the immediate payoff and ignore the consequences. You assume that the consequences are only for those who get caught. When you consider yourself smarter than others, you actually assume that there will be no consequences for choices you made.

Such thinking merely shifts the time frame of your mental and moral choices. It amounts to playing head games with yourself. In the short run, it may work for you. The problem is that after a series of lies, cheating and betrayals, the amount of blowback from your choices will catch up with you.

The bottom line is that lying, cheating and betrayal really are big things.

It is not by accident that infidelity is still considered a crime in some communities. It is not by accident that the Uniform Military Code still has penalties for such actions.  Such laws did not come into existence on some politician’s whim based on mala prohibita, they are considered mala in se. They are there based on generations of people dealing with it.

When modern enlightened minds think that there are no problems with affairs and that the fallout is imagined and just based on outdated moral codes, they are mistaken.

Affairs really are a big deal. If you are willing to try turning things around, or just get to where you and your spouse can talk about it, consider the Affair Recovery Workshop. The workshop can help you open up conversation, improve intimacy and start undoing the big deal of the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff