Revenge is powerful. It can motivate you to say and do unspeakable things. When you have been hurt by an affair, you will eventually find yourself dealing with revenge. It may come quickly or be a slow burn, lasting months or years after the affair.
You want them hurting as badly as you do. You want to ‘even up’ the score. You may even want to take all your frustrations out on them. Revenge is not healthy for your spouse, or you.
How to Move Past Revenge <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio and I’m glad that you tuned in to the show today. Today’s show gets down to some brass tack issues. We are going to be dealing with the topic of how to move past revenge.
Sounds ominous. In a lot of cases, it is. Revenge is powerful. It can motivate you to say and do unspeakable things.
When revenge comes over you, there may be times you feel like you’re a whole other person. When you’ve been hurt by an affair, you’ll eventually find yourself dealing with revenge in one form or another.
It may come on quickly, hit you right away, or maybe a slow burn lasting months or even years after the affair. I’ve seen some situations where people spend the whole rest of their lives burning with this revenge and a vengeful attitude.
When it hits, you often want to hurt them, the cheater, as bad as you can. You want them to hurt as bad as you do. You want to even up the score. You may even want to take out all your frustrations on them.
Revenge is not healthy for you, or for them. Many times if you give in to those urges you may find yourself behind bars or on the run for many years.
We’re going to be talking about that today, in terms of how to move past it.
My answer to that is cost, big picture, and control. And I’ll explain those in just a moment.
1. In terms of costs, count the cost of revenge. Before we buy anything, we really need to look at the price tag. That’s a good policy. And likewise with revenge. You need to think about what the impact of that revenge will be on your life, your emotions, your health, and your legal status.
When I say counting the cost, don’t look at just the first five or ten minutes of the movie where you are unleashing stuff. Fast forward to the end of the movie where you see where it is going to leave you. If you do engage in this revenge, where’s it going to put you? What’s it going to do for you?
Your mind will often find ways to excuse your behavior when you’re hurting. When you’re still reeling in pain from the affair, your mind can often talk you into a lot of things that you wouldn’t typically do, including revenge episodes. That’s why you need to consider the cost.
Revenge pushes people away more than your spouse. Let me repeat that.
“Revenge pushes more people away than your spouse.”
Revenge has a repelling force behind it that pushes people away, and you need to be aware of that.
2. Look at the big picture. Revenge, by its very nature, has a selfish focus. It makes it hard to consider other people and other perspectives. Once that revenge sets in, it’s like you have blinders and you can’t see the affair from any other perspective.
Which messes up what you think are your options. You don’t even see all the options, because you’ve got the revenge blinders on. It’s going to be important to look at the big picture and take those blinders off.
You want to look at your situation from a bird’s eye view. Changing perspective often leads to seeing new options that you were blind to while you were in the midst of your selfishness.
Much like you can put a flower arrangement on your table, and depending upon what side of the table you’re on and how you look at it, it appears different. You’re going to need to do a similar type of thing with the affair. Stick it on a table and look at it from all the different angles, rather than just from the perspective of revenge seeking.
3. Realize that the more you give into it, the more control it—the revenge—has on your thinking, your soul, your emotions, and even your health.
Revenge, besides taking control of these areas, is progressive. It always wants more and more of you. It’s never satisfied with just small compromises, let me just get back at him this way. It wants to do things bigger, more involved, more planning. And you need to be aware of that.
Because revenge wants everything. The more you give it, the more you give into it, the more it will want. That’s why it’s a dangerous road to get on, because once you start heading down that road of revenge, it’s just going to take you down a deeper and darker rabbit hole.
The answer to this one. Cost, count the cost of the revenge. Big picture, look at the big picture. And three, realize revenge wants control. Keep these three things in mind and it will help you move past the revenge.
These are things that you can start doing right now. You don’t have to take a 13-week course or seven-week course. You’ve got the answer right now. Just start doing it. I encourage you, start changing your mindset. Because the sooner you start, the less control it’s going to have over you.
It may be that you have to start working on changing your perspective. You can do that now.
Because here at Affair Recovery Radio, I believe that an affair does not have to end your marriage. You can move past it. And I want to help you move past it. These are some of the tools that you can put into place right now to start that process. I encourage you to go ahead and put them into place.
Best Regards,
Jeff
