Many of you think that you are wonderful communicators. You think that because you can express yourself that you are communicating.
Communicating is very different from conversing, conversating or chattering. Real communication means that you connect with your spouse.
You hear them, they hear you. The two of you not only hear, but also understand what each other is saying. You are able to see the situation from each other’s perspective.
Each time you have one of these experiences, it changes you and them, even if it is just in some small way.
If you are unchanged by your interaction with your spouse, you are not communicating with them. You may be communicating to them, but you are not with them.
You may be very self-expressive, but that does not mean that you connect. Delivery of your message is not connecting. Sure, you hit your target. You may have even stirred up feelings inside them or yourself, but that is not connection.
That’s a sign that you were able to get real. Getting real with your spouse is a step in the right direction, but it could be better.
Connecting with your spouse is when the two of you join. It’s when you not only feel the emotions, the two of you share them.
The two of you can ‘be’ with each other without trying to change each other. This takes honesty, courage and practice. It’s especially challenging when you’re talking with them about an affair.
Connecting also means that the two of you feel safe with each other, no matter how intense or strong the feeling are. If either one of you does not feel safe when the two of you are talking, then the two of you are not communicating.
What you have in such cases are chattering or talking at each other. It may even become bitching or preaching at each other, but it is not connecting or communicating in a meaningful way.
There’s a place for small talk in all relationships, yet when it’s your spouse, there’s the need for connecting with each other. If all you have is small talk, or encoded double-messages, you don’t have good communication.
You have information sharing, NOT communication.
Getting past the affair will require the two of you have some real communication. It will require that the two of you have some real connection.
If the communication in your marriage could use some help, we are here. The “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program guides you in ways of improving your communication on a daily basis.
Best Regards,
Jeff
