As you know, there are many motivations behind affairs. By the very nature of an affair, the cheater is looking for something to change in their life.
Cheaters don’t go into an affair looking for less. They do not go into the relationship seeking to ‘stay the same’.
They want ‘the MORE’ to change their lives. They are wanting to be changed somehow. The affair is viewed as a way of magically fostering a change in their life.
In many cases, they are seeking MORE of something, whether it be attention, love, sex, excitement, or something else. The magic formula is that if they attain MORE of what it is they are seeking, they will be changed.
They’ll be transformed. They view the affair as something that will change their life. In some ways, it is viewed as a type of salvation for them.
So, the first thing is that the cheater is seeking a change. They are looking for it. The affair gives them an opportunity for making a change or being changed.
That brings you to the question that was originally asked, “How do affairs change people?” There can be many changes that occur. The first is an increased ‘self-focus’.
They start to shift their worldview to where it is more self-centered. With that shift in focus, they have a new awareness of their own needs and inadequacies.
Some cheaters ignore this awareness or block it out, while others use the awareness as a motivation for plunging deeper into the affair.
With the increased self focus and self awareness comes the awakening of conscience, unless you are dealing with a sociopath. The awakened conscience alerts you to the “wrongness” of what you have done.
Some cheaters dismiss or stifle their conscience. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have one, they’re just ignoring it. In a similar manner to how you have ignored or dismissed your own gut reactions, they are ignoring or dismissing their conscience.
Cheaters deal with their ‘awakened’ conscience in many ways. These include drug/alcohol use to silence or numb it. Another way of dealing with it is what I term the ‘perversion spiral’.
This is where they plunge deeper into the affair and engage in increasingly extreme behavior in order to ‘outrun’ their conscience. By going more extreme and deeper, they drown out any guilt about what they are doing. In their mind, the more extreme the action, the more they can silence their conscience.
Some cheaters start playing all kinds of mind games. They may ‘spiritualize’ matters by claiming that God wanted them to be with the lover in preference to you.
With spiritualization, thing become very black and white, with the lover being all white and their relationship with you becoming all black. This way, they can say it is “God’s will” for them to be with the lover, which leaves you in an uncomfortable place.
With the increased self-focus, some cheaters start becoming more physical in many ways. This often includes seeking more immediate gratification of any desire they experience.
This may show up as impulsive behavior. The impulsive behavior may include gambling, drinking, sexual impulses or even domestic violence. Whatever urge they feel, they start indulging it. The self-control they once had is weakened.
So, to sum it up:
Cheater seeks change with affair. The affair brings self-focus. The affair awakens their conscience. The affair also weakens self-control.
So, the affair will bring changes with it. Once the change process starts, it will continue in one form or another. Relationships always bring changes. Affairs bring more intense changes than other relationships.
Once those changes start, they can not be predicted or controlled. The changes can only be contained and confronted.
Question is…what are you going to do about it? The option I advocate is the “Affair Recovery Workshop“. The workshop guides the two of you in undoing the damage and rebuilding the marriage you always wanted. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
