In order for there to be love, you need honesty and acceptance. Since cheaters live in a world of secrets, deception and lies, they do not have the foundations of love. Yes, they may have passion and sexual drive, but that is not the kind of love that brings with it acceptance, forgiveness, encouragement, etc. When a lover does not even know who the cheater is, their background, or their values, how can they actually love them with all their heart. If they do love them with ‘all their heart’, there is definitely not much heart there. Love, true love, involves being honest with yourself, and your lover. It involves being transparent, in that you open yourself to them. They see the fragile you, with all your blemishes and strengths, with all your dreams and disappointments and still accepts you. Cheaters do not understand that kind of love. They operate under a consumption based love, where they indulge and then want more. This is not a giving love, but instead a taking kind of love. They may enjoy the excitement along with the daydreaming and the giggles, but that is not love. That is not the kind of love that involves a life-long devotion, that is not the kind of love that stays with you when you are ill, it is not the kind that loves you when you are unlovable, that wants the best for you. Cheater’s love only focuses on what is best for them and what makes them feel good. True love does not operate under such selfish conditions. Some may call that selfish state ‘love’ but by being selfish, it is not ‘love’, but instead consumption.
Since the cheater does not know what love is, they may run away from the real thing and seek after cheap imitations. Like a child who becomes enthralled at cheap, plastic Chinese made goods rather than a ‘real’ toy, the cheater falls for the fakes. You may wonder why the cheater runs away or avoids your love. It could be that they do not know what love really is, despite all their talking about it. Just because they use the word, does not mean that they know what they are talking about.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
Indeed, another kind of love is that which is under the impression that they only will interact according to a kind of condition that has no boundaries. In other words as my husband was brought up EVERYBODY is entitled to the SAME kind of treatment.
God set up marriage with certain boundaries to protect the special kind of relationship which is distinctive in marriage. The first ‘law’ of marriage is that the husband is to change his priorities . It is stated in a way that is telling . The shift is from the most prominent loyalty to the parents and is to include not only making the wife his first priorities in order that the two will continue in what GOD has joined together as ONE FLESH …which occurs as they follow all of the other commands that are directed to the husband and wife …but will facilitate the intended ‘cleaving’
It is difficult for a wife to become secure in the love of her husband when he does not heed this command. Her insecurity in her husband’s affections which grows upon the experiencing of his continuing demonstration of her ‘specialness’ and singular position in his life apart from how he interacts with others is primary and most important as GOD has commanded the husband to initiate love and sacrifice as Christ did for his bride the church.
The scriptures tell us that we love GOD because ‘HE LOVED US FIRST” …and Christ GAVE HIMSELF for his bride.
Both of these are very instrumental in not only protecting the bride and the marriage BUT ALSO protecting all other people who do not need to be encouraged to lust after the married person of either gender!
So many sites which are filled with people hurt by their spouse’s infidelity or those who have cheated with a married person have demonstrated how destructive failing to understand or to put in place the kind of priorities that are necessary for a couplehood unit which is separate and distinct from all other relationships.
Observing a spouse spreading their time , energy , focus around as if EVERYONE should get their ‘fair share’ is destructive …and then the husband wonders why his wife becomes less able to give herself to him
Suffering the disregard for my feelings and for my needs to be assured of my husband’s loyalty to me made me feel dismissed and less valued and even less attractive….even though I had no reason to feel ugly …it was my desire ‘FOR my husband’ as Genesis tells us is how a wife would feel in a healthy way….not to dominate but her ‘desire would be FOR her husband ‘ ….which would be greatly effected by his either obeying GOD’s commands to husband ‘s or his disregard and neglect of all of the ways a wife needs his loving demonstration of her singular value to himself.
The Lord also advises the man to ‘live with your wife in an understanding way …according to knowledge …because she is the ‘weaker vessel’ in reference to her sensitive emotional godly design ….
Failing to realize how his actions, words and treatment of his wife effects her emotions and state of security in his regard are HUGE in how it effects her.
I now feel whenever I hear a man complain about how ‘frigid’ his wife is or some other complaint think of how it is the HUSBAND who is commanded to love his wife …a wife is to learn how to be a companion in terms of how she is told to ‘love her husband ‘as is instructed by the older women >
In other words GOD does not have to command a woman to love her husband emotionally …most women marry a man they feel deeply about …it is going to be after marriage where she cannot or should not seek any other means of experiencing the deep regard, respect , and love that only her husband is to provide.
God would teach such a man HOW and What to do to grow love …not only that he will learn from study of his wife what his particular wife would understand as being love by way of his having studied her…but also GOD would increase his love for her by way of this process of focus and singular concern for how SHE is …in particular
The world speaks of men having to ‘understand womEn’ plural ..whereas GOD did not tell men to understand women in general but the married man is commanded to LEARN TO UNDERSTAND HIS WIFE …..not all women .
Women in the workplace seems to have increased the idea that men need to understand women as a gender…and often we hear that dismissive phrase which effects the attitude of men after marriage so that they ‘give up’ what they have heard said ‘ WOMEN! WHO CAN UNDERSTAND THEM!”
This has been a fiery dart to the heart of the marriage as much as any other lie.
I hope that young people will ‘come to’ and realize that marriage is not as mysterious as some may feel …it is because of lack of knowledge and then humility and submission to the way GOD has offered us the keys to success in enjoying the relationship that marriages are in such a shallow state and offer little to those who are too weak and lazy and illiterate of marriage instruction to appreciate the great love and priviledge that God has considered as not only a NEED but a Gift to man….and woman …and children.
Selfishness that has arisen in this world more and more is due to lack of being ‘trained up in the way that children should go ‘ as GOD would have people learn that there are consequences to sin and rebellion and much benefit in learning and submitting to learning what is right and good from His Word.
I have had to learn later in my youth and the older I get the more I see how a lack of being taught the Word and being trained in my character caused me many unwise choices. Even so , having come to the realization of the way the Lord would have me grow I have made much effort to learn and to also put myself into a walk with effort to develop a better and better way to make choices and live life.
It is available to make better choices and make a different life IF we are willing to learn from the Lord . The pride …intellectual pride or spiritual pride that is like leaven in those who have great ability and talent can rip off their entire life ….my husband is one who simply got taken away with his own greatness and his life is in ruin . STILL the Lord abides and patiently awaits his repentance….many opportunities are presented …blindness and pride and stubbornness keeps him at bay …but the offer still stands as long as a person breathes…to learn …but failing to be teachable …it seems some will not …I pray this changes …
My husband is not the only person who grew up believing everyone should get the same treatment …it played out in his gift giving …it was not WHAT was given when a present was to be purchased…but that everyone had the equal amount spent….that should have been a clue I suppose.
His parents were very much interested in everyone getting equal treatment . IN society this may be a worthy idea but marriage is a ‘closed society’ when it comes to what is ‘sacred’ …not just sexual activity but many other aspects of life are to be marked as ‘sacred’ and ‘inhouse’ only sorts of information and relational activities.
My husband did not practice this . It seems everyone was equally entitled to his time, his recreational interests, his conversation….and soon it was everyone BUT ME …This hurt.
I think he made his own ‘needs ‘ for others by neglecting and determining that nothing was to be shared with “only ‘ his wife.
Soon nothing was shared with me but the least bits of his time , and he withdrew his company from me even on family vacations ,choosing to spend his time with others or in alone time.
I respected his wishes but did continue to inform him that I missed him and our time together
I think it was like when someone as a child was told not to eat before dinner ..thus spoiling their appetite….he filled up on ‘junk ‘ relationships and had little left for me and little need for me …or our family .
He missed out …now all of the other superficial relationship are gone …I am still here …and he is still too proud to enter into any kind of relationship with me . He has a lot of trouble even receiving a hug from me ….
I am not ugly …I am fit….I am cheerful and even funny …It is very hurtful but I continue to grow in my own interests and leave my ‘door’ open for him should he ever decide to make a ‘leap’ into our marriage relationship again . I hope it is soon…but only God knows.