A question which is often neglected when it comes to affairs is “What about your children?”. Many times cheaters are too caught up in their own selfish passions to consider the impact of their choices on their children. They do not consider how they may be ruining their marriage and breaking up their family. The cheater is often only interested in what they consider ‘fair’ or their ‘rights’. In their single minded devotion to themselves they do not consider how the affair will impact their childs’ relationship to their grandparents or even if they will have contact with the grandparents. They only think about gratifying their lusts without regard to cost or consequences. Like a billionaire, they indulge in whatever they desire and ignore the cost.
If the cheater considered their children, or considered anyone else other than them and the lover, they would make some different choices. Although they do not mind doing what they can to make you feel guilty, they themselves are often impervious to guilt. They only look at right and wrong in terms of whether their actions satisfy their passions or not. They may use words like ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ with you. In your desperation, you may assume that by using those terms that they still have a heart. You may be very mistaken. Although the words are familiar, they mean something totally different than what you take them to mean. “Doing the right thing” to a cheater means giving into their desires. When they want you to “do the right thing” that means that you allow them to indulge and do not make things uncomfortable for them. In your mind doing the right thing means being loyal to you, and their family. It means honoring their marriage vows. When you tell them that you expect them to do “right” or talk about doing the right thing, what they hear is often VERY different from what you intended.
When they are in ‘selfish’ mode, they do not consider the children. They only think about what is ‘right’ for them at that moment. Considering the children means having to look at long term consequences, which is not what they have imagined.
Considering “What about the children?” means having to think about the impact of their choices on others.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
One Response
This is all true ….yet in my own situation my husband was always ‘doing the right thing’ as he kept paying the bills for our family .,…kept his ‘indiscretions’ secret and ‘protected ‘ his family ….but even after it all …confessing that he was wrong …AFTER discovery ….he continues to believe HE KNOWS WHAT IS RIGHT and almost uses his ongoing providing for our family as the icon of right …despite he continues to reject me.
I can’t help but wonder if the OW would find out how my husband has been distancing from me …not even wanting to have eye contact …barely ‘enduring ‘ a hug from me before he goes upstairs to bed …if she would not smile with some satisfaction believing her ‘job was done’ in terms of destroying the wife he kept between himself and making any kind of enduring commitment to her. Still he is ‘committed’ to the children they had …even at the emotional expense of me and our children.
This is a cockeyed way for us to live . He condemns his past but refuses to invest more in our restoring any real relationship….at the ongoing expense of not just me but our daughters who have eye witness front row seat of this loveless treatment. Not overtly angry or distaining …but a more ‘assertive indifference’ …a really difficult life ….no past true love and no present effort ..and no future intention other than to ‘stay ‘married …but not to BE a married man in truth …not wanting any of what marriage offers.
I cannot help but guess that he really would have wanted the OW but now he says he can’t stand her …I wonder if he projects what he has experienced with her onto me …..?