Today I came across a little saying that troubled me. The saying was “It cost you nothing to be a decent person“. On the surface, the sentiment sounds nice.
What troubled me was the context of the message. It came from a marriage therapy group.i would’ve thought that of all people, they should know better.
They have good intentions, I’m sure, but if people put it into practice, it can poison your mind and damage your marriage.
Being decent definitely helps many of the routine relationship interactions go smooth, but it’s toxic when it comes to affairs.
Many of what seem to be cute or helpful sayings will get you in trouble if you use them in affair situations. When an affair hits your marriage, being decent may end up costing you dearly.
You could loose your marriage and MORE. There are times that you need frowns, angry glares, disapproving looks, gestures of disgust and other acts. Those actions have saved many marriage from catastrophes. Decency on the other hand has put many marriages into uncomfortable binds if not wrecked them.
Lying to your spouse or others about what you are feeling will cause you more pain than facing those things. Some things need disapproving looks.
The problem with decency, besides it being over-rated, is that in affair situations, it is “out of place”. The cheater wasn’t decent. The lover wasn’t decent, yet there’s the expectations that you’re supposed to be decent along with keeping the peace. When your marriage is in crisis, it’s time to take action.
The dichotomy of decency versus indecency is the wrong one to approach such a situation. You are dealing with a right versus wrong situation. You are dealing with morality versus immorality. Being decent or nice in such situations only works if you have the winning hand on the right side.
When dealing with right versus wrong situations, you initially need to speak out on the wrongness of what happened. Once you and your spouse are on the same page and in agreement about what is right and wrong, then you can work on being nice.
Being nice before the line of right and wrong are drawn and getting both of you on the same side of that line is ‘putting the cart before the horse’. You may be doing a nice thing, but it will end up being the wrong thing at the wrong time.
Doing what is ‘right’ will cost you. There are always costs to doing what is right. When you do what is right, you don’t have to worry about getting caught, you don’t have to deal with regrets or worries.
Being decent sounds smooth and nice, but is dangerous. You need to recognize well-intentioned dangers when you encounter them.
If your marriage has been impacted by an deceitful sayings, and being nice rather than right, now is the time to start rebuilding trust. The video “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you in rebuilding what has been damaged.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
My mom had a saying…”It depends upon whose OX is being gored”.
I m not sure where that came from but she was raised by a Pennsylvania Dutch step mom and maybe that was a cultural saying. The point being , as you so aptly pointed out is the definition of whatever is being discussed.
The Bible is clear about what is meant by words but in this day and time many are seeking to ‘redefine’ or ‘rebrand’ vocabulary according to the post modern uses of the Hegelian Dialectic….to dialogue to consensus is a technique used to transform a culture and not in a good way.
The discussion between people on things regarding taste and preferences about say …what food is best for dinner …or what show to watch tonight…is one thing but truth which is LIFE is concrete and not up for redefining.
Many say we need to ‘agree to disagree’ but there again the truth of the Word of GOD which sets proper PROTECTIVE boundaries for relationships is set for a purpose …for all relationships which are going to be profitable and productive need a foundation of understanding of what IS ‘good’ and ‘right’ but not according to our feelings . God is the ONLY ‘good’ even as Jesus gave this as our plumb line definition.
When flesh reads the Word of GOD and is selective about what is accepted as truth and what is only ‘allegory’ according to the feelings of their fleshly mind…then troubles begin to arise in the way decisions and choices are made.
No matter how sincere a person may be in how they believe something to be true it is the application that we soon find out what is actually true.
There are many guidelines in how to live life without damaging self or others …but when we go against those truths we eventually learn the truth about what GOD has defined as “SIN” …and it is KILLER!
Redefining Jesus, the Gospel, the church and every tenet of the Word of GOD is now pretty wholesale among those who claim to love Jesus but have not delved deeply into what GOD has said in scripture . Taking someone’s word for what the Bible says is a gamble these days.
The demand to be ‘decent ‘ is usually one that is wanting to find some comfort in their sinful choices by wanting a ‘larger group’ to hide their sin in …to normalize it .
It is like a child who misbehaves in a class and expects the teacher to overlook it because it got a laugh from the classmates. A larger group does not change the truth …After all it was the MANY who Jesus related are on their way …on the BROAD WAY …to destruction.
Mat 7:13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
When the truth is bent or watered down to accommodate what some believe is the ‘decent’ way to deal with such a terribly damaging activity then EVERYONE LOSES.
The sinner , though not suffering perhaps directly or instantly from their actions still will suffer consequences in the long run …if not sooner. Ultimately the lack of seeing the need for a Savior to deal with the ultimate judgment which is righteous response against sin will cause a person without the Savior to suffer not just loss in this life but throughout eternity.
Jesus offers all who come to Him with a hungry heart to hear His Word which will bring about faith in those willing to HEAR and RECEIVE it…. new birth.
1Pe 1:23 Being born again, not of corruptible seed, but of incorruptible, by the word of God, which liveth and abideth for ever.
People may want to redefine terms, but GOD has breathed His WHOLE word to define terms by itself ..spiritual with spiritual …Context and Content matter ….it is not helpful to demand a ‘soft’ approach to sin which STEALS, KILLS and DESTROYS!
1Co 2:13 Which things also we speak, not in the words which man’s wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual.
Dialogue to ‘consensus’ is a tool used to bring about the melting pot of various sins to become acceptable and eventually normalized. This includes the attitude which demands people ‘get over it’ or ‘get on with life’ while being damaged by these desires for people to be left on their own to continue their choices at the loss and damage to everyone …including themselves!
The mantra is ‘judge not ‘ but they never read the way the scriptures advise us to allow God’s WORD to define and judge what is right, good, and useful to live a life which is godly and fruitful in all of what GOD has intended for His creation and man.
Jhn 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
Or as one pastor put it ..allow the WORD of GOD to judge you not you judge the WORD….and so …we are told to study to show ourselves approved UNTO GOD …and if we do …we will learn a lot of how God defines all things for HIS glory and our good…and the good of others too!
We find that ‘righteous judgment ‘ is supplied by the Word of God ‘which is instruction IN RIGHTEOUSNESS” 2 Tim 3:16 …right out of the mouth of GOD!
Zaza,
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. The Bible is definitely clear on many items. The mistake often made is when progressive thinkers mold the Bible to today’s societal whims rather than let the Bible shape societal values. Meanings are changed or watered down depending on what trend is in vogue. What they do not realize is that they are tearing down the very structure and authority of society. As you pointed out, when that authority is torn down, everyone loses (When the truth is bent or watered down to accommodate what some believe is the ‘decent’ way to deal with such a terribly damaging activity then EVERYONE LOSES.)
Between the ‘consensus tool’ or the Delphi technique or ‘groupthink’, there are social change agents at work striving to remake society. Sadly, as part of their reconstruction of society, they are redefining morals to their own perversions rather than adhering to the protective structures we have been given. Such reconstruction will have consequences. It is not merely a matter of changing morals to make life more ‘enjoyable’, they are dismantling the checks and balances that keep many evil forces, desires and drives controlled, as you well know.
The mantra ‘judge not’ is a popular one. Many in society want the loving picture of God, and reject the righteous element. Those who go around saying ‘judge not’ do not understand what they are doing. They hear one or two phrases from Scripture and then use them in response to every situation they encounter. The reality is that we judge everyday, many times a day. We are able to judge based on having standards. This is very applicable to marriages and affairs. Some behaviors are not allowed. Scripture has made it very clear that affairs are ‘not acceptable’. It is not a matter that God did not want people to enjoy themselves, He wanted to protect them from the destructive elements unleashed by affairs. Like a nuclear chain reaction, they start a series of events and choices. Although it sounds harsh, a statement I use is that “Affairs always end in death”. In the end, something or someone dies. It may be that a marriage dies, someone dies emotionally, the illicit relationship dies, or something else. Those deaths are painful. They bring unnecessary hurt upon ourselves, all because one person did not want to or could not exercise self-discipline.
Years ago I read the Cross and the Switchblade…by David Wilkerson….since that time I had not heard from him, but today I found an interesting video that might interest you ….It was recorded in 1973….but it is not too surprising how distinct it is in today’s fulfillment. It is not too difficult for anyone who was there to expect the fulfillment that we see today….here is the link if you want to see it …and if you feel it should be removed from your site that is OK …I thought you might personally find it interesting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c2gBTY70-mY
Zaza,
David Wilkerson is a fascinating man, with quite a testimony. I read many of his writings and articles in the mid-1980’s. His material was thought provoking and eerily on target then. Thank you for passing that on.
Glad you appreciates the link reading a book The Marketing of Evil” ….nothing anyone paying attention doesn’t recognize🙆