In dealing with the affair, you may wonder if it is ever right to “Let the cheater off the hook?” You may have some confusion about what separates forgiveness and ‘letting them off the hook”.
There is a HUGE difference between the two and when you do not understand that difference, it can lead to some big problems.
Let me be clear, “Adultery is wrong”. It is wrong on many levels. It is breaking a solemn promise, it often involves lying, it disrespects your spouse, it shows contempt for God, it shows contempt for marriage as an institution, and brings a world of hurt into many lives.
Although cheaters think that what they did is just between them and their lover, the damage touches everyone in their family, their extended family and even their community.
Adultery destroys families and communities. So even when a neighbor engages in adultery, those actions will impact everyone around them. It weakens the moral fiber of the community, makes lying and cheating a common thing that is no longer avoided.
Weakening the morals of someone else is a serious matter. When weak minded people stumble based on following the example of an adulterer, the disease has spread, and their soul is destroyed. You have to ask if destroying someone’s soul is a serious matter.
Even Scripture is clear on this point. Adultery is classified as a ‘sin’ in the same category as capitol murder. It is so serious it carries with it a death penalty. In my mind, that’s serious stuff that shouldn’t be played with.
That’s also pretty black and white in terms of making things clear. There may be some of you who react with “Didn’t Jesus let the adulteress off the hook?” My response is that you need to re-read that account.
He never forbid anyone from stoning the woman. He insisted that whoever caught her in the act (e.g. witnesses) needed to make sure that they were not complicit in what happened before taking action against her.
The way the law was, the eyewitnesses needed to take the first action, rather than just act based on rumors and also include BOTH the man and the woman if they were going to ‘stone them’.
This means that when you are dealing with adultery, you can not let the adultery off the hook. You can forgive the person and go back into relationship with them, but that doesn’t mean that the adultery is acceptable.
Adultery is never acceptable or ever was acceptable.
The person is acceptable, but what they did was not. They need to show repentance along with turning from adultery. This means that you don’t tell them “It’s OK” in response to their confession. (A better response is “What you did is intolerable. I love you, but can not tolerate what you did. We need to work on making sure something like that NEVER happens again”).
Such simple statements as in “It’s OK” is open to being mis-interpreted.The cheater’s mind often twists things. For this reason, you need to make it clear that “the affair is NOT tolerated, condoned, put up with, etc.”
The affair needs to end and end NOW. No waiting or making it easier, it is a life and family threatening menace that needs to be stopped now. It is not cute, it is not romantic, it is a cancerous monster that MUST BE DESTROYED!
It also means that you do not tolerate jokes about affairs. You do not make snide comments about affairs. This is one area where “tolerance” is destructive to your marriage and family. The more you tolerate about the affair, the more destruction will come.
This may mean severing contact with the lover. The cheater may need to change their job, or even fire or transfer the lover. You need to make it clear that the lover is not welcome at your home.
If this sounds like you are being unloving, you need to wake up. You need to love your family and spouse enough to take a stand, which includes intolerance of the affair. This means no mementos, pictures or keepsakes from the lover will be tolerated.
Those mementos, photos and keepsakes often lead to romanticizing what happened which is a form of ‘letting the affair off the hook’ by making it seem like it was ‘no big deal’. That is what you are seeking to stop.
Yes, this means that some things of value will need to be destroyed or gotten rid of. Is it better to destroy a few ‘things’ or see your family destroyed? The affair was a big deal. It can also be overcome.
It can be put behind you. It does not automatically mean the end of your marriage, but it does mean that your marriage needs to make some changes.
The video, “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” is a great place to start your forgiveness. The video guides you through how to forgive along with taking it to deep levels within yourself.
If you have any confusion about forgiveness, click the link and fill out the order form.
Best Regards,
Jeff
