Do you cross the street or walk out in traffic as if there were no dangers? At this point in your life, you know there are dangers and you take the appropriate precautions.
Running out into the street isn’t smart or safe. Even if you haven’t been hit by a car or had close calls, you know the dangers. It’s knowing the dangers that make you exercise caution. Acting like there’s no danger is when you get into trouble.
In a similar way, it’s likely that you’ve encountered some affair recovery sites and experts from the ‘forgive and forget’ approach to cheating. They believe it’s in your best interest to forget the affair after it’s been forgiven.
They believe that you can go on in your relationship as if nothing happened after you forgive your cheating spouse. I don’t believe the cheating can be or should be forgotten.
When it comes to affairs, I see the ‘forgive and forget’ crowd as leading you astray. Although I strongly endorse forgiveness, the part about forgetting is counter-productive. When you forget the affair, you leave yourself vulnerable to being hurt again and the same patterns happening again.
You can learn to forgive without forgetting. You can accept that the affair happened and still make a conscious decision to stop letting it affect your life. Forgiveness isn’t about pretending the affair never occurred; it’s about understanding what happened, so you don’t allow it to define who you are or let it keep you stuck in a cycle of hurt.
Your marriage can move past the affair, but I believe you need some remembrance of the pain and damage done by the affair. Acting like it didn’t happen puts the both of you in an unrealistic La-La land existence.
When you remember the affair, you are cautious about high-risk situations. When you remember the affair you and your spouse think about the consequences before stupid or evil choices are made.
It’s only when you consider the pain it brought that you recognize that affairs aren’t worth it. Think about remembering the affairs in terms of the dangers of not looking both ways before crossing the street.
You consider the dangers and exercise appropriate caution. That’s why I think you shouldn’t forget the affair.
Forgiving allows you to put the pain behind you, which is a good thing. Although the pain is behind, you continue needing caution and being alert to affair dangers.
In the video “Forgiveness: Stop the Pain, Tear down the Walls and Remove the Roadblocks” I go further into how to forgive, yet continue having accountability. You can forgive and still hold the cheater accountable.
When they treat you holding them accountable as if you didn’t forgive them, it’s an indicator that they don’t understand forgiveness either.
Rather than stuffing your head in La-La Land situations or holding a grudge, consider the forgiveness and accountability option. Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
