I mentioned affair-mations in a previous post. I thought that it was a topic that needed further attention. You and your spouse both have needs. Needs for a sense of worth, and value. There is nothing wrong with such needs. We all have those needs. Where you or your spouse may get into trouble is using an affair to gratify the needs for affirmations. Your need for affirmation is natural, the choice of an affair as a way to meet those needs is not healthy.
One of the challenges in dealing with affair-mations is sorting out whose affirmations the cheater needs. Do the affirmations of the lover meet their needs better than the affirmations from their spouse? Is the cheater so desperate that any affirmation will do, or are they using the affair as a way to get their spouse to give them the affirmations that they really need?
As a spouse, you are in the unique position of building up or tearing down the cheater. Your words and actions can either draw them closer or push them further away. Since you have a history with them, your words will have more power than any lover’s will. If you have squandered that history with a series of tearing them down, it will work against you. If you have used your history to build up your spouse, you have a powerful tool on your side. Even now, if you tear into the cheater and break them down, what will it accomplish? Will putting them down make them desire you more? Unless your marriage has a sado-masochistic twist to it, the putting them down will not make them want you more.
So before you tear into them, consider if it will bring healing. Will it make them want to be around you? Is the problem their needs or how they met those needs/
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
