Some of you have been told either directly or indirectly “Don’t make waves!” regarding an affair. There may be many reasons you are told such a thing. Your spouse’s job may be jeopardized, it may lead to fallout with family members, or it may be that the cheater does not want to deal with the embarrassment and attention. The logic of those telling you this astounds me. They do something like ‘have an affair’ with all the repercussions and shock waves it creates and then tell you “don’t make waves!”. In some ways they are trying to avoid the natural consequences for what they did. If natural consequences were removed from many behaviors, there would be larger amounts of unsavory deeds. Think for a moment what the world would be like without natural consequences. It would be sick and unhealthy. The natural consequences are part of the mechanisms that bring about balance to the world and to relationships.
The cheater may or may not realize the twisted thinking they are engaging in when they tell you to not make waves. Some are intentionally evil and out to avoid the consequences, others are ashamed and hope to minimize the impact of their choices, while others do not want to be reminded of what they did. They want to continue living in ‘la-la land’ of their own fantasies where they can fornicate to their hearts content with whoever comes along and never face the consequences. (Perhaps they should call it Oh-La-La Land). Any way you choose to examine it, the directive to ‘not make waves’ typically means that the cheater knows what they did was wrong and they are not wanting to face the outcome of their choices. They chose gratification over responsibility. There are always consequences for gratification without responsibility.
With the directive ‘don’t make waves!’ they are also attempting a short circuit of your emotional reactions to the affair. By not making waves, they are effectively dismissing your emotional reaction to what happened. They are saying that their emotions, prestige and pride are more important than yours. Such an attitude is not conducive to a good marriage either.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
