Assuming that you and your partner have discussed what trust means to each of you, you can now address other trust related issues. The first of these is honesty. There are several key ingredients to trust, and honesty is one of them. It is going to be important to be honest with your partner. Admit what you have done (Note: It is also important to avoid going into excessive detail concerning the affair. Deal with the affair in general terms). I encourage you to steer the conversation to the present day, rather than re-fighting the hurts associated with the affair. Admit what you have and have not done in your relationship with your spouse. Do not hide behind half-truths and lies. They need to be able to trust what you say. Do not bluff, threaten or intimidate. The first few attempts at being honest are challenging, if your relationship had not been based on honesty. While being honest, it will be important to use the admonition of Paul, who encourage people to “speak the truth in love”. You need to be honest, but also present that honesty out of an attitude of love. If honesty is presented without love, it often comes across as being mean or cruel. If you can not be honest with a loving motive, you may have to wait until you can present with a loving attitude.
Honesty will also involve being willing to accept responsibility for what you have or have not done. If you have not been very attentive to your spouses needs or have been selfish, you will need to be honest and admit those things. Some couples have to approach developing honesty a little at a time, since it is such a challenge. It is ok if it takes time to address these issues. What matters is the direction the relationship is heading, not how fast it gets there.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
