One of the important lessons I’ve learned in working with affairs is the importance of looking at what people do rather than listening to what they say. When you start looking at what they’re showing you rather than what they’re telling you it changes you.
At that point, you see the ‘real’ situation. Cheaters know the power of well-crafted words.
First, they start by fooling themselves with smooth-sounding words, then they use them on you.
They may even talk about their higher values or vision of the future. They know how to get you to buy into their fantasy. But, if you look at what they’re doing, rather than listening to their words, you’ll see a different reality.
Rather than fall for their words again, take a hard look at what’s actually going on. What’s the evidence there in front of you?
The best illustration of this was when a roommate of mine was caught cheating with another girl by his girlfriend. His girlfriend made a surprise visit to the apartment. She found him in his room with another woman. He knew he was caught. She caught him, there in the apartment where he and I lived at the time. When this girlfriend angrily confronted him on his cheating, he turned to her and said “Tell me what you want to hear and I’ll say it!”
On seeing the drama unfold in front of my eyes, since I had the bedroom next to his, I said to myself “Don’t fall for it, don’t fall for it.” To my surprise, she fell for it. She told him what she wanted to hear. He said what she wanted to hear and they continued their relationship.
Later that evening, he bragged to his friends about how he handled her and his being caught cheating. This wasn’t his first time, nor was it his last. He viewed his handling of the situation like a well-executed play.
His statement and her reaction have stayed with me for decades. It showed me that some of you want to hear smooth talk when it comes to affairs. What’s worse is you want to believe what you’re being told, even when your eyes tell you something else.
If you want to believe what you’re being told, even when the evidence tells you something different, this is not the place for you. If, on the other hand, you want the truth rather than smooth words, you’re in the right place.
When dealing with an affair, you’re dealing with deception, lies, smoke and mirrors. Things are said to distract and soothe you. This is why you have to look at what they are doing. If they’re serious about things, you’ll see the evidence.
I also know that it takes time to know what to look for. It takes time to accept the truth after you encounter it. Part of you doesn’t want to see it or admit it.
If you’re struggling with accepting the truth, consider downloading my video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis“. It guides you through the challenge of continuing on with life when you encounter the unpleasant truth of an affair.
With help, you can make it through the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
