Affairs often force children into situations that they would have never chosen. When affairs are underway, the circumstances often force children into awkward meetings with the lover and their family. Although the adulterer often entertains fantasies about how smoothly their children will adjust, and how they will fit in, the reality is often very different from the fantasy. Children often want to ‘keep the peace’ and not say all that they feel or think. It is a wrong assumption to think that just because they are not saying much, that they are accepting or approving of the situation. The child has just been thrown into a new social world. Not only are they thrown into this new world, they are also having a moral system thrust upon them by the situation which is not of their choosing. Although the adulterer has accepted the situation, it does not mean the children will. Just because your child carries part of your DNA, it does not mean that they will think, accept, respond and be alright with the situations that the adulterer is.
Inside the child’s mind are questions like “Who are these people?”, “What happened to my parent?” or some variant. The adjustment to the new family is often more difficult for an adult child than for a younger one. It is a false assumption to think that just because they are adults, that they will accept the situation. If you children are grown, with young children, they may be forced to wrestle with value decisions that the adulterer made for them. They are forced to accept a situation, just because it is their parent. Some parents exploit this relationship by forcing their children to accept their ‘choice’ in lovers. It is as if they are taking their children hostage in terms of values and morals. The child often feels trapped by such situations.
If you are having an affair, it is important to be aware that just because you enjoy your lover and their family, it does not immediately mean that your children will also.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
