There are some emails I receive that break my heart. On reading them, some part of the relationship jumps out at me, yet the person writing it is oblivious to their blind spot.
A recent email had the following:
“My fiancé of 9.5 years the love of my life. Moved out 6 weeks ago. We fought over sex. I did cheat in 2009 and would never think about it again. We have a 2 daughters 13 and a 2.5 year old. She suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She told me that she is just a mom, I told her she is the key to the house. I work 2 jobs so she can stay home. I’m lost because I don’t miss the fighting but I miss her, and my daughters.”
Although many items jump out for me, the point he is oblivious to is the whole subject of commitment. He refers to her as his fiancé, then later as ‘a mom’, then finally as ‘the key to the house’.
I wonder which role is the real person. Is she the mom, the ‘key to the house’ or the fiancé. If she is the mom, then he is by implication, he is the dad. Although he is playing dad, he’s never committed to her in the form of marriage. In the email, he states that they have been together 9.5 years, and yet there is no marriage. In his mind, she is not good enough to be his wife, but she is good enough to be the mother of his children and play housekeeper.
The many roles the woman has in this situation screams “lack of commitment” to me. It’s not clear who is uncommitted. When commitment is uncertain, there is limited security in the relationship. Either spouse could leave at any time.
When you have a relationship where anyone could leave at any time, trust will always be an issue. Without commitment, you put limitations on how much trust there is in the relationship.
There are reasons why I include ‘commitment’ as one of the key ingredients of the ‘trust formula’ I share in the video “How Can I Trust You Again?”. Without strong commitment, whatever trust exists is always conditional and limited.
This kind of conditional trust also means that affair issues are never fully closed. They are always at risk for one of them to leave when the going gets tough.
The lack of commitment is a dis-service to them and their children. No one in such a situation has security or trust.
Trust takes more than commitment, yet without commitment, your relationship is crippled. You limit security, stability and intimacy by limiting the commitment.
It’s no wonder that the woman struggles with anxiety and depression. When you are never sure about the stability of your relationship, it keeps you on ‘edge’. Your emotional resources are quickly depleted.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
