Couples dealing with affairs could learn a few lessons from military history. When one nation breaks the secret code of another nation, they often don’t disclose knowing the code, so that they can find out more.
Although Hollywood often portrays affairs as spontaneous and spur of the moment events. Many times they are not that way. There is coordinated planning and communication that goes into making an affair continue.
There is planning concerning where to meet, when to meet, covering the tracks of meeting and ways of connecting with each other. These things are communicated through codes, signals or with messengers.
Once the resolute spouse knows of the existence of an affair it is not time to ‘blow the whistle”. Once the existence of the affair is discovered, if you want to understand what is occurring, it’s time for ‘code breaking’.
Code breaking is similar to reverse engineering in the the goal is to comprehend how the relationship works. All relationships have rules. Although they are not always identified and discussed, there are clear rules.
In decoding an affair, look for what the rules of the affair are. These include “How do they decide when and where to interact?” , “How do they communicate?”, “Who initiates communication?”, “How do they decide where to meet?/When to meet?”, “How do they decide who knows and does not know?” , “How do they interact with their family members/friends?”
Seeking answers to these questions steads you better than trying to find out which hotel they are meeting at and what sexual activities they engage in. The questions about the relationship and how they interact will give you clues as to how your spouse thinks and relates to people.
The answers let you know the patterns the cheater and their lover follow. Although humans think of themselves as independent thinkers, in reality, they follow patterns. Knowing their patterns allows you to know them better than they know themselves.
The cheater and lover likely follow patterns in ways they aren’t even aware of. The next best thing to mind reading is knowing the patterns and their predictability. When you know the pattern, you can almost predict when and where things happen.
The rules and patterns are what give the affair predictability and security. Knowing the patterns gives you insights about the affair and knowledge of where interventions can be done.
This will also let you have a better idea if it is an affair of the heart, an affair of the mind, a sexual addiction or something else. Knowing those pieces of information is crucial in coming up with a solution that addresses the ‘real’ problem.
Best Regards,
Jeff
