In talking to spouses about infidelity, one of the topics that routinely comes up is how the affair leaves you doubting yourself. It takes you from a confident, decisive person to one that’s no longer sure about most of their choices.
You second guess yourself constantly. You wonder if you’re good enough for your spouse, if you’re pretty enough, thin enough, have big enough boobs or smart enough. Affairs make you feel like a worthless puppet – someone that is being controlled and manipulated by someone else.
And the thing is, all of those fears and doubts are real. The doubts don’t go away with forgiveness or talking through things with your spouse.
Robbing you of your confidence makes any decision a wrestling match. When the cheater uses gaslighting on top of that it keeps you doubting yourself even longer.
If you experienced childhood abuse or traumas, the loss of confidence turns into an ongoing matter. It was bad enough when you had low self-confidence as a child. With an affair happening in adulthood, it takes you right back to old wounds and pains.
Your spouse and extended family can be very toxic about this. They may join in “gaslighting” you, insulting you and making fun of your concerns and feelings. If they weren’t supportive before the affair, they surely aren’t going to be now.
I was reminded of this on reading a post from someone struggling with their choices. She wrote:
“My husband told me he made a mistake by cheating. He also saw her for 6 weeks planned dates and had intimacy. In my mind, a mistake to me is an “accident”. He didn’t ‘accidentally’ end up and the same place as her every week. He didn’t accidentally have sex with her. Am I making too much of this or does this make anyone else’s blood boil?”
Her self-doubt has her questioning whether she’s making too much about what her husband did. She’s second-guessing herself about the significance of what happened and what to call her husband’s affair. She is furious about this, but has mixed feelings inside.
He’s got her so twisted up mentally and emotionally, she’s seeking validation from others about what she’s feeling rather than trusting her own reactions. This is classic gaslighting behavior.
If you’re feeling like this, know that it’s real. The doubts and fears are there for a reason. You’ve just been through an incredibly traumatic experience. Give yourself time to heal and to trust your gut reactions again. Lean on your friends and family who are supportive.
When you get to the point where you can’t trust your own reactions, and the cheater is deciding what to call their adultery, you’ve lost your confidence. You’re also at risk for other manipulations as well.
I assure you, anything continuing after an initial one night ‘mistake’ is planned and intentional. No matter how much ‘fogging’ the cheater does, what they did was planned.
If anything, you’re downplaying the seriousness of what happened. He needs to be tested for STD’s and the matter of the affair dealt with, including his trying to pass it off as an ‘accident’.
He’s not assuming responsibility for what happened, and he wants you to not hold him responsible either. Part of you is screaming truth, if you listen and start trusting yourself again.
What you would benefit from is the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse“. It guides you in ways of addressing the issues and holding your spouse accountable in a way that reduces the risk of it happening again.
It would also help if he admitted the seriousness of what he did and comes up with a relapse prevention plan that the BOTH of you agree on.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
