During the holiday season, there are often conflicts and fights over the kids. I recognize that some conflicts occur in families that have not been touched by affairs, yet my focus is on the families, like yours that have been touched by affairs. Holidays often bring out the worst in people when families are going through a crisis like an affair. Although you will make it through the holidays, the dysfunction of how things go often makes them something more associated with dread than joyous expectations.
The aspect that troubles me most concerns the children. Children need their parents, even the cheater. The rub is that the children often think more of the cheater, than the cheater thought about them during the affair. Sure they may have paid lip service about their kids, but they did not consider their needs, values or security. The cheater often shows some wild extremes with claims about how they love their children, would not do anything to hurt them and how they would defend their children to the death. The hypocrisy is that with the affair, they destroyed the key relationship in the family. As they talk about protecting their children, they are taking a #25 pound sledge hammer to their marriage. The children were not so important to them at that time. Although they would defend your children against a drunken intruder, when the intruder enters by the bedroom and has sex with the cheater, they will welcome them into the family with open arms. Some parents even have the audacity to want their children to respect their lover.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
5 Responses
Yes , your make a very good point. Cheaters rarely think that children are effected. Part of this has been the development of more and more blended families. The blended family requires children to adjust to something which is often a situation that is the outcome of divorce and adultery . Even scripture causes one to pause …speaking of those who are divorced to consider that marriage to another is ‘adultery ‘ or at least that is what it says….Widowhood is another issue and with that …even with that ..Children have a very large adjustment to any marriage to another other than their birth parent.
The frequency of divorce and remarriage …has brought about an expectation that because children are young…and ‘resilient’ that there is no need to worry about the effects of adultery upon them.
The truth is that children have NO choice really …just like a wife who is dependent upon her husband often times will be the one to ‘forgive’ , placate, and work toward pleasing him even if he is not engaging …children do not want to lose the love of a parent and so are caught in the expectation that they must ‘get along’ …despite how their parent makes them feel by their adultery.
The child loves the parent and yet the parent has hurt their other parent beyond words and shown love for another who has violated not just the marriage but been the instrument of pain and deprivation of love toward the parent that the children love…the faithful parent AND the ‘faithful ‘children have to endure a multiple infidelity .
In the case of OUR situation my husband planned and had two children with the OW …this is such a deep wound yet we all want him to heal …He is so down on himself that he has completely denied his ability to return to the marriage though he is still in the marriage and family and works hard to continue to support us all.
He denies himself because he is overwhelmed with the realizations of how many aspects of our lives and his and the lives of others he has violated.
Instead of working to learn and to accept forgiveness he has hardened himself against any kind of change for his own life…even as he has understood that his self punishment continues to steal from all who he has harmed.
This is difficult …his self condemnation is a continuation of the rip off that this sin has done to all of us and he is unwilling to allow himself to seek help or to learn what he can to …
He has had much input that was useful and wise but refuses to act upon it ..I feel he is sorry but he is so prideful that he simply has quite caring about all things…including this life .
His work goes on because he does care about making sure his children are fed , clothed and housed…He continues to come home here and help out but there is no emotion. He says he has none..He says that he is ‘dead inside’ he ‘feels nothing’
This condition is sad and it continues to hurt everyone ..though with our faith the girls and I are able to live each day in spite of this sad person who is with us .
I wish people who do this would realize that though they cannot go back and change things…there are things they need to consider DURING the ‘recovery ‘ period. He says that we did not do ‘it right’ after D Day …? From what I have read …what I have been through and how I have conducted myself is not unusual in my pain and desire to learn about all of it …but it seems MY pain that HIS sin caused is ‘too much’ for him to endure!
I see many people express this as well who are going through this .
My husband is a very proud man ..he has not wanted anyone to tell him how to live or to learn …not even from GOD except in the very beginning of our marriage…
His entrance into the business realm …success and being surrounded with sinful people who reject morality …the ‘relative moral slide’ into the depths of destruction….his desire to enjoy as much pleasure and keep up his public image among those who do not respect marriage or boundaries led him to reject all of the things that would have kept him from making so many heinous decisions
NOW he admits this but somehow his pride is such that he will not accept forgiveness…or should I say believe in it….having defined it for himself it seems as ‘forgiveness means never having to endure learning what to do to make things better but being able to live fully trusted and never having to be accountable or change the way you choose friends and interactions.
He has stopped all kinds of behaviors but has become bitter, depressed, and withdrawn . He plays computer cards after dinner while we all watch TV …activities….are minimal …no dates…no dinners out…no activities together or with our family are planned unless our daughters suggest them
He is totally punishing himself …
Over the years he would tell me when his birthday , Christmas or any other occasion would come up …”Don’t get me anything ‘ and he meant it .
I found this puzzling and thought is was because of money …but he made a lot of money ..still I tried to honor his desire ..It hurt deeply that he conveyed that I could not give him anything or do anything for him …it was rejection upon rejection ..yet he was still a nice man …I felt so rejected…and I worried as if we did not have enough money since I thought that might be his trouble
Now I realize that it was not money it was GUILT ..because he was cheating and did not feel he deserved my love or care …I would even hear him say ‘You should not love me ‘ or ‘Why do you love me?” ..this was really hard because I did not realize he was cheating …it made no sense.
I had to observe him closely to learn what MIGHT please him or make him happy . He had various ups and downs but would not share with me what was the reason …He would just say ‘ It’s nothing ‘ or ‘Everything is fine’
I thought it was money troubles..it was more likely his girlfriend now that I think of it …either way it deeply wounded but I kept a positive attitude and prayed for him …tried to please him with any aspect of our lives I could think of
Now he is simply down for the count and insists there is no future for him …and thus …for us.
He simply gets up tired every day …goes to work …goes to take the children of adultery to eat something ..and then back to work and then to work out ..and then home
It is not a very pleasant life that he has chosen and it is hard to not have it effect us …I crave his smiles, to be touched , hugged …held….loved …even looked in the eye…but he avoids all of this …he WILL hug me occasionally if I ask for him to …but then very reluctantly …He sleeps upstairs.
No words or actions seem to make a difference….
I am sad for all of us …but hope in the Lord and continue to keep in the Word and speaking with Jesus about this .
I guess this touched a nerve …I could not help but see his lengthy relationship with this woman as a form of ‘infidelity ‘ against our children ..He denied that this was what it was …but how could it not make our children feel inadequate…as if they were not enough’ …it may not be the case in HIS mind …just as he said it was not that I was not ‘enough’ …but he claimed that she was just a ‘part’ …a part that was ‘missing ‘ in his relationship with me!
The parts he mentions ..like .’fun’ , activities, and sex were all available at home ..in fact he COULD NOT take her anywhere so where were those ‘activities’ he had wanted companionship for that I was not there for him for???
And what about all the hours, days and years he spent with her while OUR children did not have his time and attention ..as he came home from her place after work….just before bedtime most of the time…
He was out of the house on weekend mornings…to see HER …and our children …especially the last one born …did not have ANY of the same kinds of loving attention the others got …all of her life until D DAY …he at least used to take the others with him for a bike ride in the AM on weekends..or plan a day with us …but after he met her NONE of that happened.
Anyway I am ranting now ..sorry …way to start the new year eh….sorry …I will calm down soon…I just get riled when I think of what his selfishness and HER deliberate stealth entry into not just MY life and OUR life but our children’s lives has meant . AND NOW he only has so much time, energy and desire and it is NOT spent here upon us because he has to put more into building his work again ..and the only deliberate interruption of his day is to go out to get those kids and take them to eat.
Jealous ? Yes I guess I am …he has NEVER taken time from work to come take me or our children anywhere! He could never ‘afford’ to take time from work!” So it DOES matter …
I KNOW it is the only time that he can see them and they need to be fed…but he still does not see why this is a problem for me and our family …it is the PRIORITY thing again which he has never wanted to learn about ..or lets say he has never wanted to APPLY to our marriage and family.
He is a stonewall.
Zaza,
Blended families have definitely been one of the outcomes of affairs. Although some people have experienced improvements in blended families, for the most part, you are dealing with a group of hurt people who are suffering from painful losses. The pain of a blended family often goes on for years. Cheaters are more often caught up in the “What’s in it for me?” or “What am I getting out of this?” mentality to see the big picture of how their actions impact others.
There is no doubt about that …I can;t help but wonder how much the increase of blended families has aided the perception that there is really no harm done in terms of the children so I think my husband’s experience with the people who had grown up in blended families ….his perception being only of the OUTSIDE appearance of the condition of those people as not being harmed….led to his idea that our children would welcome and be useful to help raise the ones he had with the OW.
He has not personally had any experience with the pain and difficulties that he has perpetrated upon all of us ….In fact he claims he has never been hurt by any kind of breakup during his dating years.
I suspect that he is either lying or more than likely he has never invested his heart in anyone enough to feel any kind of pain when the “love” was ‘gone’ …
His sorrow now seems to be in that he feels his life is ‘over’ and there is no point in trying to change in order to make any amends to those he has hurt. He says he just wants his life to be OVER. YET he displays the ability to ‘care’ for the children of the OW ….so I feel he is just too self centered over this and the realization that his ‘fun days ‘ are OVER and he does not care to make any effort to change the situation that we all live with in our family …not just me but our daughters…
I think this has come about because he realizes THEY realize what kind of person he has been …it is humiliating for him ….yet he refuses to make any real effort to change this .
To me it is about and attitude that exhibits the effort to not just acknowledge the wrong but to show a real empathy that comes with an effort to make his life transparent.
The ongoing ‘habit’ continues to demonstrate a willingness to be sneaky …He will not offer information and I have to ask questions in the right way about the right things to get any information about where he has been , if he has had any connections ..
For example..He may say “I have not heard from them today ‘ …but leaves out the fact that he texted them and did not hear back …UNLESS I ask.
He may say ” I saw the kids today ‘ but when asked what they might have had to say or how it went he will only give minimal information …THis went on in the past regarding any information about anything ..
He is not forthcoming and thus he still gives the impression of not being trustworthy and when questioned he gets angry or ‘hurt’ that he is not being trusted.
I live with a person who does not communicate and does not want to give up’ any information about anything going on .
This has destabilized our whole household for many years. He holds all the information so I am guessing it is yet another way to be IN CONTROL”
He no longer sends me the texts he used to have between himself and the daughter of the OW …and for a while I sensed that he was only sending what was ‘harmless’ ….then he slide into sending his own take and words about what was said….then nothing …unless I asked …
He said he wanted to live an honest and trustworthy life but resents any kind of accountability.
It is very difficult to live like this without it having any effect…He is a very intelligent man and knows exactly what he is doing but feigns ignorance or forgetfulness.
In terms of the OW he is not honest either …he wants her to think he is still very financially solvent …
This game playing may stem from his lifelong activities in competitions …sports and then business.
Apparently I was deceived early on in thinking he was a man of his word since he acted like a person with high moral standards…..How I needed the wisdom of the word …I have grown in this area…but not having grown up with any kind of caution about people …I used to accept them at their word…and some of their displays of behavior …I always saw the good in people
The actual testimony of the word of God is that we need to be cautious about trusting people …’Judge not by appearance but judge RIGHTEOUS judgement .” I had SOME knowledge of the word but I have had to ‘catch up;” on growing in knowledge of what it says and how it is to be applied….
Righteousness IS the content and application of the word of GOD through life….2 Tim 3:16,17 and I feel I have had to learn about this from ‘behind’ having begun my walk later in life.
My husband was a picture of a kind , compassionate, unselfish man …..but his decent once we married into the dark behaviors ….not violent but SNEAKY and DECEITFUL have been very destructive to anyone that has fallen for his ploys….
Team sports and then business taught him to hide himself and his moves…and to look for and exploit the weaknesses of his opponents…In marriage that ‘weak ‘ person was me because I trusted him and became more open as we are told marriage requires so he soon learned how to get by me.
His way of living life has been exploitative and when caught or treated the same way by others he is incensed….There is an old saying ..”What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander’ …..He can dish it out but he can’t take it …in this situation he demonstrates what mom used to say …’Some people view kindness as weakness’ ….
My trust in him was misplaced….sadly
I try to counsel my daughters how this has come about …so perhaps they will be able to see through such persons….they have their own relationship and knowledge of the Bible…They are a lot more savvy than I ever was….thankfully …
Zaza,
Blended families are rarely beneficial for children. Studies have shown this, yet, many of those kinds of studies are downplayed since they are politically incorrect and have inconvenient results. The public does not want to know that the lifestyles they are enamored with are detrimental to their children.
In terms of your spouse, some men keep family relations at a distance, yet appear to be model parents/spouses in situations where there is a ‘distance’ built in. Such situations are safer. There is little risk of intimacy or having to ‘get real’ in such cases. A big issue for such situations is the fear of intimacy/getting real. Getting real makes them vulnerable. They go through the motions of being the ideal parent/spouse since going through the motions does not cost them as much as being real and vulnerable does.
BINGO! Just how I have come to realize it …sad….One thing is true….my husband has a quick wit which makes him a very popular member of any group….sigh….at least he does not make his jokes at my expense …but it seems his own life has been at the expense of everyone…including himself….he missed out on what could have been a unique experiences of authenticity since I have been striving for such a life since I was a child …
Other than experiencing my husband’s shocking deception I have no regrets of my life …because with Jesus Christ I have been able to make use of even those times when I was foolish …no lessons lost on me ….but this upset has stolen the past six years as I have tried to find my balance…at least it has been useful in that I have learned a LOT more in study of this and many related issues from deeper study of the Bible and useful information from many other related resources…such as YOUR blog…Thank’s Jeff…..we move onward in this new year ..
I doubt that our family will ever ‘blend’ with that of his adultery …not for lack of concern for the children’s welfare …it is just a really unlikely aspect …at least at this point…but prayer has been known to make a huge difference in what we observe in our present situations .
Free will is what effects HOW anyone’s life either opens and searches out truth or goes after the comfort of the world’s trends….the Devil is the one that tampers and tempts to open up a person’s willingness to choose sin …the Lord offers and demonstrates his worthiness…then leaves it up to people to either seek Him or not….He still pursues us through his word and his creation demonstrating that HE is …as Hebrews says…Those who come to God must BELIEVE THAT HE IS …AND that he is a REWARDER of those who DILIGENTLY SEEK HIM.
That is something worth praying for people about …to become hungry to know Him. At least that is what I understand it to be ….
Hugs to all at your place!