Besides the weather, another thing that changes is fashion. Like the weather, fashions change. Trends and popular colors come and go. If you watch fashions, you’ve seen some of these trends change for both men and women. Although the field of psychology and the study of human behavior shouldn’t be so fickle, it is.
Some trends come and go in the field of human behavior as well. Although some of these changes are driven by research, some, like fashion change with the shifts in societal values and new catchy terms for old experiences. One of the trendy terms used these days is ‘limerence’. I’ve even seen references to limerence affairs, while other affair recovery specialists view limerence as overlapping with and preceding emotional affairs.
Limerence is a term coined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov. She used the term in describing the sensation of being ‘in love’. The term has gained in popularity and is handy for describing the phenomena. In my own mind, I see it as the initial stages of the ‘affair fog’ when someone starts obsessing about their ‘love object’.
When you begin fantasizing incessantly about your love object, it changes you. Each time you give into the fantasy, it gains more strength. You start thinking that you can’t live without the love object so you start coming up with ways of attaining it and making it yours. During this phase, your thinking is influenced by the chemicals being released into your brain. You may even feel like you no longer control your mind. The fantasies take over your mind and your emotions.
This is common with love addicts whose minds latch onto someone in the early stages of the unhealthy cycles they go through. In the chemical dependency and brain studies community, they talk about the release of endorphins and PEA in describing what happens inside the brain of someone going through this relationship phase.
The differences in terms confuse those searching for explanations as to what you’re dealing with and what to call it. If you’re wanting more on this topic, I address the role of fantasy in my ebook “Why He Cheats”. It gives you an understanding of the role of fantasy in the affair for both the betrayed spouse and the cheater.
Using the term limerence only makes fantasizing sound like a separate phenomenon. It’s not. The term ‘limerence’ only refers to the initial phase of infatuation and doesn’t cover all aspects of the affair journey. It covers imagining a happy life together and how you must have that person in your life.
Limerence can be overcome. Having an affair relapse prevention plan that reduces the danger of triggers, like those triggering fantasies is an important part of recovery. Getting past limerence requires you do things differently and think differently. You need to download the video, “Overcoming Affair Relapse” to find ways of moving past this in your affair recovery journey.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
