One of the struggles which occurs in the aftermath of an affair is what I call ‘the intimacy dance’. This is when the two spouses go through the struggles to improve intimacy. In many cases, since they have never experienced intimacy or are scared of intimacy, there are a series of interactional games that transpire between the two of them. The interplay of the games often looks like a dance where they alternate between who takes the lead, yet neither one manages to decrease the distance between them. It is as if the distance is maintained no matter which person takes the initiative.
The two partners seem to dance around the distance existing between the two of them. Although they dance around the distance, and discuss the distance, they actually do not understand how stop the dance. I find the first step to changing the dance is to acknowledge that the two of them are caught up in the dance. Some couples are caught up in the dance and do not even realize it. They each feel the sense of desperation, with continued efforts at reaching out, yet never can seem to obtain the closeness they desire. Sometimes they engage in increased amounts of sex in an effort to obtain intimacy. When intimacy is missing, the sex can actually aggravate the distance between the two of them. I will address ways to begin overcoming this in coming posts.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
