In dealing with an affair, there will be times that you are attacked on a personal level. Since the very nature of an affair disrupts people on a personal level, they often say and do things that irritate others on a personal level as well. At times, the things they say are intentional and at other times, the statements are made without the intent to hurt. Even though they were not designed to hurt, since the speaker themselves is hurting on a personal level, the message will often be sent in such a manner as to communicate the deep intense hurt they feel. These messages are often sent in a manner that also irritates and disturbs us on a deep level.
What this amounts to is that there are times that the real message is in HOW they communicated their message to you. The spoken words are only a portion of the whole message communicated. Learning how to listen to the words and the message behind the words (i.e. HOW the message was communicated) is made more difficult during an affair, since the resolute spouse is often hurting as well. Attempts at communication often turns into an action-reaction, attack-attack back, You-hurt-me-so-I-will-hurt-you type of interaction. Learning how to disengage from such cycles of pain and hurt is difficult, but doable. It is important to listen to your spouse, both what they say and how they say it along with ‘not taking the message personally’. During this time, hurtful things are often said that are designed to push people away.
It would be nice if people could talk things out and fight fair. When the hurts are deep and emotional needs are in play, the fights become emotional volcanoes. They are often driven more by passion than logic. Recognize that this is part of what occurs in the aftermath of an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
