Although the old expression “fight fire with fire” is quoted in justifying paybacks and revenge for offenses, it doesn’t work well with affairs.
With this approach, the cheater expresses anger and you react with anger in kind. The issues aren’t dealt with and both of you feel worse than before. Words are said that make the hurt worse than earlier.
There’s a time and place for responding in kind, yet not when it comes to anger associated with affairs.
When the betrayal of the affair surfaces, it’s likely that both of you have resentments. This is when the temptation of ‘fighting fire with fire’ arises. While you’re hurt, part of you wants to hurt them.
Giving into that temptation gives you an opportunity for venting, yet no opportunities for healing. Venting allows you or your spouse to let off some steam and let some angry words out.
When the anger is intense, such ‘venting’ provides only a temporary relief at best. It doesn’t heal anything. Venting only allows you a time for dumping on your spouse.
It also pushes your spouse away from you. Anger and resentment at this time provides emotional isolation. You think it keeps you safe from your spouse and further hurt, yet all it does is push you into further isolation.
That ‘quick fix’ actually isolates you further and drags you down deeper into your pain. This makes the hurt worse. It pushes away the people you need.
You forget that your brain and your spouse’s have been co-regulating each other for years. Isolating yourself from that other half of your mind means you are losing out on the ability to calm down.
The two of you have the power to light each other up and also to calm each other down. Even though you may not be consciously aware of the co-regulating and how it happens, it still goes on.
What you may have seen as emotionally protecting yourself has instead turned into emotionally torturing yourself. You removed the emotional safeguards in your marriage.
When the safeguards are removed, the resentments build and the anger intensifies. In most cases, your body’s own capabilities of calming yourself down are depleted as well.
As the resentments continue growing, you’ll reach the critical point where emotional meltdown is inevitable. This is why fighting fire with fire is so dangerous.
There is a way out of this situation. You can stop the meltdown before the critical point. This is where membership in the Restored Lifestyle support community helps. Today, I addressed why you need your spouse in helping you calm down.
Membership includes having access to the videos on dealing with the Affair Crisis without having to experience a meltdown.
Every day you keep the resentments inside, they inflict more damage to you and your marriage.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
