A type of communication pattern messes up your marriage and your life is that of the “double-bind”. The “double-bind” is the term used in describing communication that puts you in a bind no matter what you do. These are the no-win, “damned if you do and damned if you don’t type of communications.
In double-bind situations, you’re given two contradictory messages. A spouse tell you that they want ‘total honesty’, yet when you share with them, they tell you it’s “TMI” or “too much information”.
The two messages contradict each other. In such cases, you can not win. No matter which option you take, the outcome is negative.
It’s not accidental that many counselors consider such double-binds as a “crazy-making” behavior. Many times, such patterns start in the home, and your spouse brought their luggage with them. The ‘double-bind- is not a pattern limited to affair and affair related situations.
I mention this because when you have an affair situation, the double-bind pattern makes working through any problems more difficult than they have to be.
When you’re the victim of a double-bind communication, it often leaves you feeling paralyzed or stuck. It shuts down communication. In some cases it is done intentionally , yet many times, those using it are following patterns they’re used to or learned growing up.
When your spouse uses a double-bind on you, they’re communicating they are feeling stuck themselves. They feel like they’re in a no-win situation or “feeling trapped”.
Traps are best avoided, yet there are some you can’t avoid. Your spouse may be stuck in one and not know how to deal with it.
Double-binds ‘overload’ your processing ability. It is akin to putting your computer in a logic loop that it can not escape. The computer continues remaining stuck in the loop until there’s some kind of intervention.
When your mind is overloaded, you ‘zone out’. This zoning out is very trance-like.
If you wonder why your spouse zones out on you or you on them, it could be related to the communication pattern that the two of you are using.
More than likely someone is using double-bind communications. Once you learn to recognize them, you can see the dangers and jump over them rather than get bogged down by them.
The first step in dealing with them is recognizing them for what they are. When you see the trap in front of you and recognize it as a trap you can avoid it.
Once the unhealthy patterns are recognized and called out, you can begin replacing them with healthy patterns. The “30 Days to a Better Marriage” is a program which fosters healthy communication in your marriage. You can improve how the two of you talk with each other.
You can turn your talks into productive times rather than being times of frustration and confusion.
Best Regards,
Jeff
