Why does my spouse HATE me?

One of the recent questions I received was “Why did my spouse hate me?” These kinds of questions often present some challenges. The therapist in me wants to respond with ‘Do you really want me to answer this?”

In order to answer such a question the way it is worded, I would have to give you a long list of your faults along with the dirty laundry list of all the things that your spouse dislikes about you.

Although many of you would not like a computer print out of all your faults, that is what is being asked for. Perhaps knowing all the ‘bad’ things will make you feel better in a masochistic way.

Many of you often bring hurt on yourself thinking that by doing so, it makes the situation better. This has more in common with being a martyr than affair recovery.

Some of you do assume the role of martyr in dealing with the affair. The martyr role is one filled with pain and powerlessness. It is also a role filled with manipulation, using guilt as a way to bring change and motivate others.

The use of the word ‘hate’ also poses some problems. With ‘hate’ being overused in many social settings, the meaning has been convoluted and distorted.

Hate has been used in so many different situations, it is hard to know what the word means. It is used as a reaction to when people are disagreed with as in “Why are you hating on me?” and describing heinous acts of violence as in ‘hate crimes’ where people are treated brutally based solely on skin color or religious beliefs.

When one word is used for such a wide range of issues from disagreement to wrathful ‘vent your spleen’ kind of beatings, it makes use of the word vague.

Such a question at its mildest is asking why the cheater is disagreeing with them or it could be that the cheater is violently beating them senseless every chance they get.  So when faced with such a question, I do not know what the appropriate response is.

The person asking it may also be struggling with not knowing what their response should be to the affair as well. The question may be a reflection of that uncertainty.

Many questions are designed to make the hearer experience what the questioner is feeling. They know that they are not feeling well, so the assumption is make that the cheater now ‘hates’ them.

Hate is NOT the opposite of love. Hate and love have many attributes in common. It is a mistake to assume that just because your spouse does not love you that they automatically ‘hate’ you. Relationships do not work like that. You may feel that way, but that do not mean it is that way.

I am reminded of the question asked by St. Paul in Galatians “Do I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?”. He was faced with some strong reactions to his preaching and many people ‘hated’ him because he said things that they didn’t want to hear. He was pointing out that they had fallen for some bad teachings. His pointing out their errors had some of them furious at him.

When affairs happen, you hear things that make you uncomfortable. They may even leave you feeling unwanted and unloved, but that doesn’t mean that you are now ‘hated’.

It does mean that your marriage needs help. The “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program is just what you need in getting your marriage in better shape.

Best Regards,

Jeff