Something that has been on my mind lately is the phrase “I’m not in love with you anymore.” Another version of it is ‘I just don’t love you like a wife anymore“. There are other variations of such sentiment, yet they all are pretty much expressing the same thought.
What had me wondering about this sentiment is what does “I love you, I’m just not in love with you” mean? I have good idea what the intentions behind saying something like that is, but what it means is something different.
Typically, the motive for saying it is the cheater telling you that they still have feelings for you, yet don’t want to hurt you. This amounts to them not wanting to see you cry despite them doing something that hurts you.
The paradox of doing something they know will hurt you yet not wanting to see you hurt doesn’t escape me. They want to indulge in irresponsible behavior without having to endure the consequences. If this sounds immature, it’s because it is.
Mature love, on the other hands, knows that love is not just a feeling, it’s a commitment. It continues loving and doing whether the warm fuzzy feelings are there or not.
I always thought that when you say “I love you”, it is not only an expression of emotion, it’s a statement of commitment. Apparently many cheaters didn’t get that memo.
The “I’m not in love with you anymore” crowd views love as emotion only. They continue seeking experiences that keep the emotion going. For them, love doesn’t include lifetime commitment.
Their love has an expiration date. Their relationships have a shelf life.
These days marriage needs love without expiration dates. With the pressures of modern life, you need the commitment piece. Having commitment means work.
Although the romantic notions of love don’t include effort, I find that anything in life worth have requires effort., including love. This is referred to as sacrificial love. It also means working to keep connection and communication.
At Restored Lifestyle, membership includes access to programs like “Let’s Talk” which guide you through ways of opening up communication and keeping it there.
Keeping your marriage healthy means keeping connection and communication. Making the effort at keeping connection and communication is part of the commitment of love that reduces “I’m not in love with you” from happening.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
5 Responses
The I love you but I’m not in love with you is or appears to be cheater tripe. During the cheating phase, they do anything and everything to devalue not only their spouse but their marriage. Anyone who hears those words need to know that they are already cheating or about to be!
Anonymous,
Thank you for your comment. I couldn’t have put it any better. The “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” is a signal that someone is living by their emotions and that they are or about to cheat or leave. It’s a wimpy way of avoiding facing the realities of marital commitment.
Anonymous,
You are correct in your warning and reasoning. The cheater engages in fantasies about how wonderful the lover is along with those of how terrible their spouse is. Both fantasies have to be addressed in moving past things.
FYI….. I heard those same words! The answer was already and about to do more! In general what I have seen is that people who cheat, do and say pretty much the same things. Almost as if there is a handbook! If it were not for our denial and shock, one could peg most within a week of when the cheating starts!
Anonymous,
I’ve never considered the handbook concept. There are many tells exhibited by the cheater. There’s a saying in the counseling field that “A person can’t not communicate”. It’s one of those things that the truth hits you. The sad part is that many spouses don’t want to see the tells right in front of them when it happens.