Trust is both a simple and complex thing. It should be simple, yet on closer examination, there is often more to it than you assumed.
Numerous efforts have been undertaken in order for people to understand trust more effectively. Even with the numerous theories about trust available in the academe, going through broken trust, especially in the context of marriage is very difficult.
The books give you an understanding of the basics, yet putting it into practice takes effort. Learning to trust on a consistent basis takes even more effort, especially when people disappoint you.
At the first stages of relationship, trust is calculus-based. This means that you will try anticipating the behavior of the other person. Based on that anticipation and calculation, the person will determine which level of trust will be given to others.
If they pass the basic tests you have of ‘trustworthiness’ you give them trust and then expect or anticipate more of them on this next level of trust. You start expecting them to continue showing trustworthiness.
The trust you place in others grows exponentially as the number of tests they pass.
This calculation and anticipation is also accompanied by rewards or punishments depending on the kind of behavior being anticipated. If the person being trusted shows you consistently that he is trustworthy, then trust is enhanced and the relationship continues progressing and improving.
At the new level of expectations, there are often new freedoms allowed along with increased vulnerability shown. You are more willing to trust them with your feelings and valuables.
If they do something that disappoints you, the trust level is lowered, and your expectations of them lowered as well. For some of you this may be a step-wise progression, for others, one disappointment and they are through with you.
In a manner of speaking, this kind of trust is based on a cost and benefits analysis. If the benefits outweigh the costs, then trust will more likely be given.
If your marriage has been rocked by a recent bout of an affair, then your relationship with your spouse will be based on a calculus-based kind of trust. If you were to rebuild your trust with your spouse, you both need to work things out so that you will be able to go beyond this kind of trust and enhance your relationship.
You need to show that you can again be trusted. The trust will be a step-wise progression.
Much like a mathematical progression, the trust builds progressively.
After your spouse has been hurt by an affair, they’re unwilling to give you the highest levels of trust again. You will again have to show that you are able to handle the trust they place in you.
Unlike the first time around, the levels of trust are not as large as when you are starting your relationship.After being burned, it’s a series of baby steps. Each step is part of a progression.
After an affair, the trust is gradual and in smaller increments. It is still based on calculations your spouse makes about how much they are willing to trust and be vulnerable. The more the hurt from the affair, the longer it will take for you to earn that trust back.
If you are working on improving the trust level in your relationship, the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you through this process.
Best Regards,
Jeff
