A reader wanted to know “How to recover from a bad swinging experience”. I had to do a double-take at first and gather my thoughts.
Being focused on helping couples recovery from affairs, my first though was “Aren’t all swinging experiences bad?” and then realized that they may be referring to some enjoyable versus un-enjoyable swinging experiences.
Often swinging amounts to a sexualized Russian Roulette. You may screen those you swing with, but once the action starts, there are always surprises.
The ‘new’ partners may not be as clean as you are, they may push the limits further than you would like, they may not follow the rules the same way you do or your spouse may get more attached to them than you would like, or they may not have been much fun. They may handle you in ways you are not used to being handled.
Your spouse may have gotten lax in interviewing people for swinging. It may have turned into a Craigslist Russian roulette, where you never know who will answer the personal add that you or your spouse placed. At that point, the swinging has taken a bad turn.
Telling yourself that it was just one bad swinging experience, or that it won’t happen again only keeps you from taking action. There are too many variables outside of your control to think it won’t happen again.
Bad swinging episodes can be traumatizing. Over time, the cumulative effects of even minor issues adds up. Each person you are with changes you.
Not only are there changes, the changes are cumulative. The effects continue adding up over time. Each partner and episode brings a new layer of changes.
Those changes may be emotional, physical or relational. Those physical maladies you’re struggling with may have connections to swinging you never wanted to consider.
There’s a reason you’re not sleeping. There’s a reason your passions run ahead of your mind. There’s a reason for the rashes and skin ailments. There’s a reason for your moods being low. There are connections to what you’ve been doing.
Recovery from swinging, including bad swinging is similar to breaking off affairs.
First, you’ll have to cut off all contact with your swinging group. Don’t take the easy route, just cut off connection. Don’t take calls, texts, emails or communication of any sorts from those you swung with.
This makes things awkward in small communities or if you swing with people you work with. Trying to ease out of it only prolongs the pain.
Likewise, limiting your ‘swinging’ to only trusted couples only delays things.
The difficult challenge is that some swinger groups are also friends. In those cases, it’s hard separating friendships from the swinging. The lifestyle community knows this and intentionally entwines the two.
Losing friends is a difficult proposition. In some cases you may be able to salvage a friendship, yet that often entails some moments of emotional and relational awkwardness.
You’ll have to stop reading the personal ads for swingers, and driving by playgrounds wondering who is there. When you cut yourself off, you need to cut yourself off. Staying involved at a distance keeps the pain from subsiding
Your body is accustomed to intense experiences. This means that there will be an adjustment period. Like going cold turkey from an addiction, you’ll go through withdrawls and cravings.
Depending on how much recovery you want, the next step is forgiving and asking for forgiveness with your spouse. This gets tricky since you may feel like you did nothing wrong. In such cases, start with where you broke your wedding vows of not putting your spouse above all others.
If you deceived or lied as part of being in the lifestyle, you’ll want to discuss that as well. If you began craving others ahead of your spouse, you’ll want to address that as well. This step helps readjust your priorities.
This step also removes any resentments and anger that may have built up related to the episode and experience.
Given the emotional intensity of what you’ve been through, chances are there are some episodes of anger, jealousy and resentments. Even if its just a matter of discussing it with your spouse, it opens up communication and reduces tension.
Does this mean that you will have to view swinging as a ‘bad’ thing? Yes, it does.
Since swinging is an all or none proposition where you are either fully in or fully out, there is no middle ground. Navigating toward what you think is middle ground often sucks you back into it.
Likewise in recovering, you have to pull out 100%. This means you have to be willing to see your swinging as ‘bad’. If you do not see it that way, you leave the door open to romanticizing what happened, and you can easily find yourself back in what you were trying to leave.
The next step involves repairing, removing and replacing the memories associated with swinging. This will neutralize the possibilities of those memories being used to reactivate old responses. It amounts to changing your emotional wiring and associations with swinging.
Your emotions, brain and nervous system needs time for re-calibration. The longer you stay out of the lifestyle the more your systems re-set. This re-setting is noticeable at six months, yet may not be complete until 18 months after you leave.
If you expect to be back to ‘your old self’ after a week or two, you’re in for a disappointment. Your brain has to readjust and slow down. At times, you may still struggle with fantasies and dreams.
The bottom line is that you can recover from bad swinging. Your marriage can survive what happened. There will be scars, but you’ll be in a different place.
You may have trouble trusting your spouse after who they chose to swing with. Swinging still triggers emotions. If the couple you swing with are old school associates or old acquaintances, there’s a high likelihood of old feelings being triggered.
There’s also the risk of the couple you ‘play’ with taking things too far. They may not respect the boundaries you are used to. Any violation of boundaries leaves scars.
You may have regrets over who the both of you chose to swing with. There is always an emotional let down after such an emotional high. That let down may have more to do with guilt than you realized.
If you’re struggling with the effects from swinging you may be experiencing relationship trauma.
You don’t have to get drunk, take pills or medications to numb yourself out, and keep symptoms under control. If you find yourself doing so, there are issues going on needing attention.
When you have been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it’ and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises and techniques you need in understanding and moving past what has happened to you. If that’s your situation, get your copy of the video on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers“.
Best Regards,
Jeff
