How Do You Recover From a Bad Swinging Experience?

A reader recently asked, "How do you recover from a bad swinging experience?" This question made me pause and gather my thoughts.

As someone focused on helping couples recover from affairs, my initial reaction was, "Aren't all swinging experiences bad?" I then realized they might be referring to enjoyable versus unenjoyable swinging experiences. Another question to consider is, “At what point do you consider things going ‘bad’?”

First, there are the health issues. Those you swing with may claim to be ‘clean,’ but that’s a big assumption. How can you be sure they’re not lying? Given the deception inherent in the ‘lifestyle,’ the lines between truth and make-believe blur. Even though you use protection, being exposed to multiple partners and their bodily fluids has risks. Many diseases aren’t prevented by condoms.

Secondly, there are bonding issues. Each person you have sexual relations with creates a bond on several layers. Multiple bonds mean your marriage is no longer a unique and special connection. These bonds influence your thinking and behavior, potentially leading to unintended relationships.

In swinging, things often go further than intended. When seeking arousal, behavior has to become more extreme to remain exciting. This increased tolerance leads to more extreme practices, pushing boundaries further than ever before. In the lifestyle, things often go further than you intend.

Third, the risk of sexual addiction is high. Many swingers rely on drugs or alcohol to prepare for ‘playtime,’ which brings its own risks. Spouses might seek more extreme stimulation, driving them deeper into addiction. There is the possibility of sexual addictions and chemical addictions developing.

Fourth, arousal issues arise. One aspect of bonding is that you and your spouse trigger arousal in each other. Swinging strains these bonds. You might find yourself aroused at anyone’s touch or, conversely, unresponsive to your spouse without chemical assistance from Viagra, Cialis, or similar aids.

Social and relationship stresses also emerge. To stay in ‘the lifestyle,’ you must hide your activities or change your peer group, leading to strained family relations. The lifestyle becomes a double life, with one persona for the public and another for fellow swingers. Maintaining this double life grows harder, requiring more resources to ‘keep up appearances.’

In some swinger circles, members form unhealthy attachments, believing they ‘own’ each other. When this happens, the group resists attempts to leave or pull away, using threats, abandonment, or forced situations to keep members locked in. “You belong to them, and they take steps to keep you locked in and hooked in.”

Recovery from swinging, including bad experiences, is similar to breaking off an affair.

First, cut off all contact with your swinging group. Avoid calls, texts, emails, or any form of communication with those you swung with. This might be awkward in small communities or if you swing with colleagues, but trying to ease out only prolongs the pain. Limiting your swinging to trusted couples also delays the inevitable.

Some swinger groups also serve as friends, making it hard to separate friendships from swinging. The lifestyle community knows this and intentionally entwines the two. Losing friends is difficult but sometimes necessary to move forward.

Stop reading personal ads for swingers and driving by playgrounds, wondering who is there. When you cut yourself off, you need to cut yourself off completely. Staying involved at a distance keeps the pain from subsiding.

Your body is accustomed to intense experiences, so there will be an adjustment period. Like going cold turkey from an addiction, you’ll go through withdrawals and cravings.

Depending on how much recovery you want, the next step is forgiving and asking for forgiveness with your spouse. This gets tricky since you might feel like you did nothing wrong. Start with where you broke your wedding vows of not putting your spouse above all others.

If you deceived or lied as part of the lifestyle, discuss that too. If you craved others ahead of your spouse, address that as well. This step helps readjust your priorities and removes any resentments and anger built up from the experience.

Given the emotional intensity of your experience, you are likely to experience episodes of anger, jealousy, and resentment. Even just discussing it with your spouse can open communication and reduce tension.

Does this mean you have to view swinging as a "bad" thing? Yes, it does.

Swinging is an all-or-none proposition—you are either fully in or fully out. There is no middle ground. Navigating toward what you think is the middle ground often pulls you back in.

In recovery, you must pull out 100%. This means seeing swinging as "bad." If you don't, you leave the door open to romanticizing what happened, and you can easily find yourself back where you started.

The next step involves repairing, removing, and replacing the memories associated with swinging. This neutralizes the possibility of those memories reactivating old responses. It's about changing your emotional wiring and associations with swinging.

Your emotions, brain, and nervous system need time for recalibration. The longer you stay out of the lifestyle, the more your systems reset. This reset is noticeable at six months but might not be complete until 18 months after you leave.

If you expect to be back to "your old self" after a week or two, you'll be disappointed. Your brain has to readjust and slow down. Sometimes, you might still struggle with fantasies and dreams.

The bottom line is that you can recover from bad swinging. Your marriage can survive what happened. There will be scars, but you'll be in a different place.

You might have trouble trusting your spouse after who they choose to swing with. Swinging triggers emotions, especially if the couple you swing with are old-school associates or old acquaintances, which can trigger old feelings.

There's also the risk of the couple you "play" with taking things too far, disrespecting your boundaries, and leaving scars. You may regret who you both chose to swing with, experiencing an emotional letdown that might be more about guilt than you realized. There’s also the risk of spouses wanting to go more extreme and want more stimulation, which drives them deeper into things.

If you're struggling with the effects of swinging, you might be experiencing relationship trauma. You don't have to get drunk, take pills, or use medications to numb yourself and control symptoms. If you find yourself doing so, there are deeper issues needing attention.

When you've been traumatized, there are reasons you can't "get over it" and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises, and techniques you need to understand and move past what has happened to you. If that's your situation, get your copy of the video on "Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers." You don't have to stay trapped in the lifestyle another day. You can start making changes and taking charge of your life once again.

Best Regards,
Jeff