When you are in ‘conflict mode’ with the cheater, there will come a time that you need to set boundaries. When you set a boundary, you need to stick by it. If you do not, you will come across as making threats that you will not back up. You can set limits on giving them until a certain point in time (e.g. a date on the calendar), a certain behavior (e.g. when you do this, it is over), or an attitude. Once the limit is set, the cheater will often test it. At that point you will be faced with the challenge of whether you are willing to follow through on what you said. They need consistency and dependability. When you waffle on your limits, you are not being dependable. For that reason, you need to be careful what your consequence to breaking the limit is. If you threaten divorce, that is often your big gun and after it is used, you have no further options. With that in mind, you may need to use other consequences, such as “changing the locks, removing them from your will, cutting them off from bank accounts, etc.” before you resort to the divorce threat.
When in conflict mode, you will also need to give up on the idea that “If I choose my words right, they will understand”. When the cheater is deep into the affair, they will not respond to well-chosen words. When they are deep into the affair, they only understand pain. Pain makes things real and is needed to wake them up to reality. The reality of pain is one of the reasons that you need to follow through on limits. They often live in a reality where limits are made to be tested and are always changing. When they are living in that reality, you become one person who does not change, who does not morph into accommodating their whims. They are used to a lover who bends to their whims. If you bend in that manner as well, then their whole world and your whole world becomes one fluid, wild merry-go-round.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
3 Responses
Today’s tragic shooting …another demonstration of the way a persons’ mind not equipped with the ‘helmet of salvation ‘ does not resist evil imaginings…the various unseen influences that work toward influencing humans is unknown by many who do not know what GOD has revealed to us about these entities …and the need for people to ‘put on ‘ the mind of Christ and train up their children in the word .
God loves all of us …he doesn’t want anyone to be taking captive by the influences of the god of this world and his minions ..without the word which is HIS spirit within and in our minds …the mind becomes open to all kinds of various wicked ‘influences’ seeking a willing and cooperative person to do their bidding whenever and whereever …it is not seen
A person without the word of GOD in mind and practice is not equipped to do right…sad SAD incident for all of those effected by this boy who was a loose cannon..
Another reason to pray for our ‘enemies’ …the OW and those children are not unlikely possible future individuals not equipped to control their impulses …they are all in therapy …which is not useful to stop their behavior ..obviously ..the OW has been in therapy and on psyco drugs since high school…..that is a LONG length of time to be treated without a lot of effectiveness in causing her to change how she functions
Her children are now evidencing a lot of the impact of her ‘ways ‘ ….the daughter is disrespectful , angry and often confrontational despite my husband’s patient attentiveness to her and her brother….the boy is so rejected by his mother he actually told my husband when he was left alone that he likes it when his mother is not around and that was back when he was only seven! now at nine he was coming out of school the other day and my husband was waiting for him to take him to eat …they came out of the school doors and the OW as sitting there …she was waiting to talk with a teacher….the boy walked right by her and did not speak to her…my husband corrected him and told him he should not ignore his mother
The daughter came out later and said she heard that her mom was at school …she accused my husband of hating her mom which he denied. ..she said she wish she could have seen that encounter…The mother has poisoned the kids minds in so many ways on so many issues.
The daughter got into telling my husband about how a woman should have a right to kill a baby if she wants…this was what she had learned in school that day …he asked her many questions to try to lead her to realize her biased position and her not having been given ANY balanced information at all …her reply was she would NOT be like ‘you dad …when I am thirty I am going to be even MORE radical than I am now” she is 13 now….has proclaimed often she hates christians…even as her father has tried to offer her information …she is now hardened against all that is of any other view than her mom’s or her school …
Psa 11:3 If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?
For those who are responsive to the God of the Bible….
Eph 2:19 ¶ Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of
the household of God;
Eph 2:20 And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner [stone];
Zaza,
When we give ourselves over to our passions the results are disastrous. The scope of the damage is even worse when there are mental problems and or spiritual matters which magnify matters.
I am still sorting through today’s events and coming to grips with it. In terms of affairs, cheaters often unleash a string of events that touch many people across generations. It is also a tragedy in that many innocent people have their lives ruined by selfish choices.In the beginning, the cheaters make choices about loosing their self-control, as time goes on, they loose their ability to make those choices, often finding themselves unable to predict consequences or say ‘no’ to themselves. The lack of self-control often spreads to other areas of their lives.
Very sad situation ….my prayers are with the survivors….I have always taught my kids to cover their days with prayer….it is wise…not fear prompted but the more you know about this world as God reveals it …the more you appreciate His wisdom and guidance through the maze of various people in varying mental conditions which leads to something controlling them rather than they controlling themselves.
When I study the way things proceeded in Genesis in the garden …I see the the Devils tactics are the SAME …Adam already was ‘like god’ in the …God invested Adam with FREE WILL to CHOOSE.
The book of Job and elsewhere shows that the Devil cannot just ‘enter into’ the thinking of a person …he has to find a way to get a person to sin by choice….thus deceptions to regard God’s word as ‘restrictive’ or even ‘punitive’ works to cause people to think that God ‘s commands are too restrictive and ‘impossible ‘ for them to follow His word.
This is deception …added to a temptation and a person not KNOWING or UNDERSTANDING the way GOD has offered us The Way to avoid making choices that would open us up to more and more influences that are harmful and imprisoning to the whims of the realm and rank of the god of this world and you have people whose minds are subject to think anything that comes along the ‘airwaves’ of thought.
This type of bondage to suggestions that make their way into a mind unguarded by the word as it’s content …will sooner or later convince the person to do the bidding of the ‘influence ‘ that is not of GOD
God does not tamper or tempt man to make sinful choices…GOd provided His word so that we can learn what is going on with this world and those influences that are at work since Adam ‘defected’ by his disobedience…which led to him handing over the domain and jurisdiction that GOD had charged him with ..namely the ‘keeping of the garden ‘ ….aka earth.
We see as Jesus was lead into the wilderness to be tested by the Devil …that he did not correct or argue when the Devil offered him ‘ALL the KINGDOMS of THIS WORLD …if he would fall down and worship him ….’because they were DELIVERED UNTO ME ” ….Jesus knew this was true …it was one of the reasons he came to expose this deceptive character who IS the GOD of THIS world.
Jesus said he did not come to judge the world but to save it …and many think this is because he doesn’t judge…this is a popular arguement from people who do not want to be ‘judged’ ….but the truth of this is that HE needed to come BECAUSE the world is under judgment SINCE the FALL ..the treasonous act that placed all who are born into this world …without god …and though born innocent ..soon fall prey to the tactics of deceit as they are tempted and do not realize the way this CHOICE causes them to go into the bondage of suggestions by the god of this world
Without the Helmet of Salvation, the beast plate of righteousness , the loins grit about with truth , the feet shod with the preparation of the gospel the sword of the spirit which is the word of God and the shield of faith…ALL of these are references to our NEED for the protective ARMOR of the word in our MINDS…..which is the command post for how we choose…how we decide and how we act.
The tree of knowledge of “good ‘ and evil was actually ALL evil in terms of it was the offer to gain what man ALREADY had by way of disobeying the protective warning of GOD .
The ONLY way the Devil can ‘work ‘ man is by way of PERMISSION …THE man’s permission which is what his disobedience and ignoring the wisdom of GOD offered to him to ‘put on’ would keep him from CHOOSING to disobey …deception being one way for a man to decide to sin ..thinking it is ‘good’ …
The ONLY “GOOD” is GOD and HIS word is HIS spirit …so to put on that word and DO it …grows us in wisdom and the Devil has NO ‘permission ‘ by way of our becoming the judge of what is ‘good ‘ by way of our own thinking , feelings and opinion …but we will KNOW what is truly GOOD if it coincides with what GOD says…
The tree of knowledge of good and evil was a form of what we see and know as the HEGELIAN DIALECTIC
Two sides of an issue which are actually just two views of the same issue…both work to lead to the same ‘consensus.
It is a ploy….’what seemeth right to a man ends in DEATH”
Sin opens people up to more deception appealing to their desires….pleasure that were designed to function in the god given jurisdictions but acted on out of god’s design for them
ALL of the temptations that most people fall for are actually ‘good’ but they are drawn to act upon their desires rather than within the god given domain….such as ‘sex’ outside of the marriage covenant…deadly as we know.
The god of this world has the jurisdiction that ONCE belonged to Adam ..and man ..he usurped by way of getting ADAM to hand it over to him by way of his thinking there was something to be gained by following his own opinion ‘ which was developed over the dialogue to consensus with the Devil …rather Eve’s engaging in this debate…rather than obeying GOD
it has been offered that EVE may have had some leaway in understanding since she was not PRESENT when GOD gave this warning to Adam…but ADAM was WITH Eve…standing by …not taking dominion or subduing all that were in the garden …in fact he stood by while Eve contemplated disobeying this command didn’t he.
It is recorded that after Eve ‘ate of the tree’ that she turned and ‘gave to her husband who was WITH her.’
I sometimes think Adam really wanted to eat of the tree but he did not want to get into trouble with GOD so he just stood by while Eve did the deed …maybe thinking GOD would ‘go easy on her ‘ …somehow that did not work out as he may have thought did it
God meant what he said NOT to punish ..but to protect …and when they disobeyed they abdicated their position …as the ruler of the domain …they committed ‘treason ‘ against God by GIVING what GOD gave them to the Devil…hence he said to Jesus ‘ it was delivered unto me ‘
Man needs a savior because without the WORD …and living by it ..he is subject to the various ways that he gets played by the god of this world…and his minions.
It is not that hard except when we do not PERSONALLY take on the project of study of scripture with HEART turned to the LORD as our teacher..we often get ….’DECIEVED” …because ONLY KNOWING Truth will equip us with the armour ..the wisdom to KNOW the difference between the real and the memorex…God’s word …and something other than His word.
The tree of good and evil is the very means by which people justify and rationalize their desire to do ‘adultery ”because they are a ‘good person ‘ and ‘it feels like love’ …however the Bible declares that ‘love worketh NO ill to it’s neighbor ” …and adultery works a LOT of “ill ‘ to not only one’s neighbor but one’s OWN BODY ..as well as all that are closest and SHOULD be considered first
The tree of knowledge of good and evil is the way we find ourselves saying ..well ‘ at least I pay my bills on time …and ‘boys will be boys’ …it is situation ethics…it is also man making LAWS against the laws of GOD! ….using his REASONING as a basis for deciding ..and his mind without the word will lead him down every time ….even may LOOK godly or good but it is EVIL ..since it is not based upon truth …that means it will steal ,, kill and destroy life…which most of us would agree is “NOT GOOD”
So …if we want to be LIKE GOD …as we were made in HIS IMAGE we need to be MORE like GOD and use that god given freedom to CHOOSE wisely or our choices will be based upon a shifting sand of opinion and urges.
The suggestions made to the mind of a person deeply invested in sinful activity will leave them unarmed and becomes servants of the god of this world ..no matter how cool and calm he may appear on the surface to everyone …until one day …suddenly …he thinks a thought that is not ‘from GOD ‘ but from the god of this world to do what is unthinkable otherwise. The conscience is untrained and uneducated to DO what GOD has provided in ‘instruction in righteousness’ as 2 Tim 3:16 offers…so he has no other ‘rein’ for his actions…
Sad results …all unnecessary for those who HEED the command of GOD to study and seek HIM first and his righteousness…THEN all things will be added unto them …understanding being our primary NEED ….to foil the god of this world ..and all of his ploys to take up the place of ‘lord’ in our minds and to deter right living in trade for whatever tickles one’s fancy …
Taking up a life span with deterrents leads to a legacy of sinful choices ..added up together …leave a person devoid of the spirit of GOD which is ‘delivered’ into a person by way of HIS WORDS>
So important …so sad for people who , like this young man ….simply have become the robots doing the bidding of the god of this world who they know not of…neither do they know the true GOD who is JESUS …ONE Lord of all ….
God’s “JUDGMENT” is written in a BOOK for all to read and learn …and to follow ….it is written that we might KNOW …so all are called upon to do so…