In dealing with affairs, it is as if you are dealing with two different worlds, one based in facts, the other based on fantasies. Your spouse will present material that is often based more on fantasy than reality to you and ask you to validate it. If you want to survive the affair, don’t validate it. Validating their fantasy adds legitimacy to it. It makes the fantasy become more real. When they say, “I don’t love you anymore’ or “I’ve fallen out of love for you”, they are seeking validation from you for their feelings and fantasies. When they took the marriage vows, they made a commitment. Remind them of that commitment. The promise was not “I’m going to marry you until it’s not fun anymore”. Your spouse is essentially saying that and wanting you to “validate their ticket”. When you do not give credence, or validate their statement or “loss of feelings/love’, then they are forced to take a look at themselves. The truth is that their feelings are not what they used to be. They may have to renew their commitment or work harder at the relationship. They are now out of their comfort zone and have to work at dealing with you. When you validate their ticket, then they leave happy, knowing that it is acceptable to turn off the feelings toward you.
This is one of many things that will need to be done in ‘heading them off at the pass’ by shutting down the fantasy part of the affair. When you can shut down the fantasy part of the affair, dealing with the facts and reality is much easier.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
