The other day, I posed the question “How much do you know about affairs?” Surprisingly, although you may have been touched by an affair, you may not understand what has happened right in front of you. You may know about the seminal events, but that does not mean that you understand what motivated the affair, what happened inside the cheaters mind, what happened inside your mind, and many other important issues.
You may assume that all you need is a “Come to Jesus” meeting and it will fix everything. That approach may work for broken windows, theft and some other matters. It may make you feel better to have a gut level talk with your spouse about what happened. It may provide some temporary relief, but such an approach does not improve the intimacy with your spouse. This kind of approach is similar to how the military often fights its last war all over again. You may be solving the affair and its aftermath, BUT…that is old news. Fighting, re-fighting and eventually winning an old battle that occurred in the past is not the answer needed in your marriage.
Sure, getting revenge on the lover, exposing them to ridicule or even beating them up may make you feel good for the moment, BUT, it will not improve your marriage. Taking such actions does not draw the cheater closer to you. It does not improve the relationship. In most cases, such drastic measures often isolates and alienates the couple rather than draw them closer to each other. Your solution is fixing the wrong problem. Such solutions only fix your desire for revenge, NOT repairing the spirit of oneness that is needed in the marriage.
If you are serious about restoring the marriage relationship, you will need to let go of that desire for paybacks much like you want the cheater to loose their lover. It does little good to want the cheater to leave the lover, when you continue chasing after the lover in revenge. You will have to decide if it is more important to stay connected with the lover or to end ALL contact. You will not be able to have both. You wanted the cheater to leave the lover and you will need to do so as well.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
