If you’ve decided on holding a grudge against your spouse who cheated, have you considered how that benefits you. Grudges often operate like the Voodoo dolls that you stick pins in.
When you hold the grudge or imagine bad things happening to the cheater, it’s akin to putting pins in the Voodoo doll. You can imagine that it hurts them and experience the twisted joy that comes from inflicting imaginary pain, yet they may actually not be hurting in the way you imagined.
Grudges may give you a twisted joy in holding onto the pain, yet they don’t help you sleep at night or bring healing any faster to your marriage.
In some cases, grudges get you sympathy from your support group. You may need the sympathy, the support and the energy it brings.
My own experience is that the energy gained from holding grudges is not a good kind of energy. It gives you a boost, yet the energy it brings is more related to complaining rather than the kind associated with peace or wholeness.
In contemporary society, the victim is glorified. I understand that. By playing the victim, you can get away with holding a grudge.
Not only is victim status glorified, you find yourself empowered by others who hold similar grudges. In such cases, it often turns into a negative support group, and the ‘victim’ status often pigeon holes you into a position of weakness and dependency.
Like a dog who turns on you, victim hood and its negative support groups twist and turn with trends, which means it can turn on you. When your negative support group turns on you, you can either take your grudge to a new level (or depth) or leave.
Leaving behind the grudge and negativity is the preferred option. The best way to leave grudges behind is forgiving.
The second best way is reprogramming your thinking in order to let go of the grudge. It’s almost like negotiating a peace treaty with the grudge.
Holding onto the grudge will cost you more emotionally and spiritually than you can afford. Although you hear jokes about selling your soul, when it comes to grudges, the price tag includes your peace of mind and some of your soul.
Others will pick up on the negative energy. That energy attracts other negative minded persons.
Rather than the sweet scent of healing and forgiveness, you’ll be saturated with the odor that comes with bitterness.
Is that price tag worth the sadistic pleasure of holding onto pain? Is the negative energy worth the drain it puts on your joy?
Before holding onto it, consider the cost and how it benefits you. If it’s not benefiting you, it’s hurting you.
If you are looking for a place where you can heal rather than nurse your grudge, consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle. There you’ll find others going through struggles like you and looking for answers that don’t include holding grudges.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
How timely your post is today!
Grudge do NOTHING for the progress of one’s life. Since D Day I have been working to understand and to forgive…since in scripture we are commanded to forgive . We know that it is not for the other person who offends or transgresses against us but for our own health and developing character and walk with the Lord.
Tonight actually I found ANOTHER aspect of the grudge holding . It is interesting that my husband’s father held a grudge for over ten years …not speaking to his own brother who lived within a short drive distance of their home.
I never knew what it was about but after we married my husband and I in the spirit of serving the Lord and others help facilitate forgiveness and a reunion . This turned out well and the two brothers remained close after until the death of the my father in laws brother several years later.
The thing is that I had not thought about my husband, his son , practicing such a thing. I thought he was on his way to walking after the Lord and though we know we may be offended and other trials there is a intentional desire to learn to follow after the commands of the Lord for all great reasons the Lord offers us in His word.
This does not mean it is easy …it does not mean that we live in denial . But when offenses come we are going to have to ask the Lord for help in following His directives.
I recognized even in the pain of the discovery of what my husband did …I knew I had to trek the narrow way of what the Lord has told those who love Him to learn to do …and to ask Him for help in doing it ….AND that the idea of forgiveness as Jesus spoke of it is going to be a task that is repeated time after time….seventy times seven …or ….simply …a lot and repeatedly.
Tonight I asked my husband if he was ready to enter into a relationship WITH me in our marriage and he said that he just could not forget some of the things said …I had said many things …and many things calmly which were true….according to the things the Word tells us are needful to consider when we have sinned….also in some of our ‘encounters” the heated ‘discussions ‘ escalated ….I did ask for forgiveness for those times and words…but it appears that now my husband is focused upon the things said in the heat of the anger and frustration in those ….FEW discussions.
He has a great memory when it comes to things that ‘justify’ his various ideas….and behaviors.
Even with my having given him as much respect and courtesy to deal with his destructive behavior ..since he wants to sleep upstairs…and keep his relationship with the kids from adultery and to come and go pretty much according to his own schedule …I think he believes since he is paying bills that he is entitled to go on in his ‘separate life’
This was his message to me to inform me that he would be ‘out of town ‘ for our anniversary the day before ….because ‘he desires a ‘separate’ life’
I think that this ‘grudge ‘ he keeps as his excuse for keeping his separate life …pretty much keeping me in the dark and communicating as little as possible with me is the way HE KEEPS from ADDRESSING his OWN issues.
It is much like the ‘offense’ that he took when during our first dance at our wedding reception …when I asked him as nicely and privately as I could if he could stop going in circles …as my neck was hurting from how he was moving me around the floor…>My bad…no matter what I did to apologize for how I could see he felt …he simply said ‘It’s OK ‘ but from then on …all our married life he refused to dance with me EVER.
So it seems he was looking for some reason to take offense and then keep whatever against me ….no matter what I did to try to learn what was wrong or to apologize when I picked up on his being offended.
This has been a lifetime effort to ‘read ‘ his mind to learn why he is unhappy ..and if it was something I did and what I might do to change the offensive behavior .
He simply refused to have a discussion about whatever. It seems that it became ‘useful’ for him to have and excuse to live his ‘private life’ …or ‘separate ‘ life.
He enjoyed his life. He did whatever he wanted and I wanted him to be happy so I always encouraged him to ‘go have fun’ …I did not resent it …but as the years went by I found he did less and less with me and the family and then once he had his adultery partner in the OW who eventually got children he had NO time or interest in doing things with me or our family . Even on vacation he went off on his own …taking long walks …denying me accompanying him .
I keep trying to show him care and concern and allowing him his ‘space’ when at home …But this man has wanted the comforts and accommodations of family and home but did not want to have to care for his wife.
Now he does not want me involved with the children of the adultery because he ” can’t forget things said’ ,.,he won’t tell me what they are so I can address them …he just ‘doesn’t want to talk about them.”
Now I know that there is an entity that majors in running thoughts through the minds of people who do not heed the warning of the Lord to ‘renew their minds’ and not to harbor the things of the world …to keep watch on what we think ..In His word we are exhorted to ‘Casting down vain imaginations and every high thing that holds itself up AGAINST the knowledge of GOD and TAKING CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT to the obedience of Christ”
Without becoming vigilant about how we think and what we are thinking about a grudge may be used as an advantageous tool in the working of the destroyer and enemy of those who God has provided healing and healthy thought life for His glory and our good.
The keeping and holding a grudge is one the strongholds that gives people an “excuse ‘ and a sense of power to avoid looking into their own hearts.
Once this begins to gain a foot hold in a life …the unforgiven offense becomes entrenched as a grudge and grows a root of bitterness.
Interesting that GOD has addressed husbands distinctly to not be ‘bitter against your wife’ …!
Must be because it is very likely to happen if the man is not watchful of his pride as how it relates to others but his wife in particular.
Pride sets us up for this kind of process wherein the enemy of God and our souls may find an opening into the life …and thus destroy the possibilities of life abundant and devoid of the wounds that the firery darts of hatred foment.
Makes one wonder if it isn’t bitterness and unforgiveness that leads to opening one up for the ‘alternatives’ of adultery ….which comes first …out of the heart that is unrepentant comes many sinful preparations for more and more justifications to rebel against the wisdom of GOD and a downward decent into sin more and more.
I think it interesting that he now ‘hates’ the woman that he had to have in adultery ‘because of what she was willing to do with him’ ! How is it …? I think it is still because he is unable to take full responsibility for his own choices in life.
I think it is also indicative of a lack of repentance or even desire for it …but to want to shirk responsibility for the way life has ‘disappointed ‘ him by way of him getting everything he wanted !
There truly is no satisfaction in sinful indulgence is there?
I am not the only betrayed spouse who has found that even in the effort to live in forgiveness and try to move forward has found their CS angry and spiteful at them …no matter what you do .
I realize that it is the conscience that they have that convicts or condemns them ….depending upon whether they are desiring to walk in the faith or not ….because conviction of sin is welcomed by those who know where to go to become cleansed from all unrighteousness and walk on in following after the Lord…while those who reject the Lord are remaining under condemnation that all are born under in this world requiring the salvation from the Lord …a distinction.
The nearest person that they have sinned against and refuse to own it …thus becomes a constant reminder of their sin and if they don’t want to deal with it the simplest way to go on living is to either get away from them or try to repel them with anger directed at them.
This is a sad state …one reason prayer for those who offend us is called for and commanded by the Lord because they need it ….they do not realize the ‘battle ‘ they are in …spiritual attacks upon their minds not equipped with the Armor of GOD as the Word directs those who follow Him to put on …and keep going on in.
Zaza,
It is like a grudge is a hurt that keeps on hurting, even across generations. I had not considered the impact of long term grudges. The grudge + an affair makes for a potent stronghold, with the pain and guilt from each keeping the other one empowered and controlling the life and decisions of the one afflicted with it.
Well one thing all sin has in common….It keeps people from dealing with the truth of this world , this life, and reality of eternity.
You are right. There is the damage of the sin, and then there is the secondary damage of how it blinds a person to issues that need their attention.
Sigh…..amen!