There are times you come face to face with an ultimatum. There was a time I faced one of those as well.
In my situation, I moved out of my parents home. My first foray on my own was with two roommates who didn’t pay utility bills or rent on time. The circumstances were less than desirable. The discomfort put me in a position to ask my father if I could move back home.
I humbled myself and asked him if I could return home. Instead of welcoming me with open arms, he issued an ultimatum. He told me that I had to stay away from home for at least a year before I could return. He made it clear it was going to be his way or the highway. The highway in this case being going it on my own.
Although I understand his reason for doing so, it was a turn off. With being issued an ultimatum regarding moving back home, I opted for continuing on my own.
This is the challenge with ultimatums. It’s one thing to hold people accountable, but with ultimatums, they have the potential of back firing, especially when it comes to returning home.
Being away from home for a long period of time, when you’re only 18 years old, is not easy. It’s even harder when you’re in college.
One reader wrote me, ” so much of what I’ve heard is holding them [the cheater] accountable and taking a stance of ultimatums.” Although taking stances is a good idea, when you’re dealing with your marriage, its’ an area best approached with caution.
Ultimatums is a dangerous and slippery slope. Once you make them, you have to deal with the fallout.
When it comes to relationship repair, having one that is reliable and consistent is preferred to striving toward perfection. You will get further with ‘good enough’ than you will by having standards of perfection.
This is not to say there isn’t a place for ultimatums. As an example, cheating spouses often choose their cheating heart over the relationship. If you are married, and they don’t do everything in their power to change their behavior so it doesn’t happen again, most likely it will happen again.
One place where an ultimatum is beneficial is when it comes to ending the affair. They need to end the affair for their to be any hope of your marriage recovering.
I’m not opposed to ultimatums, it’s that many of you aren’t comfortable with them. Managing ultimatums takes experience. With the inexperienced, the tendency is going from one extreme to another or being inconsistent.
This is why ‘good enough’ marriages, where you have consistency and reliability is preferred in recovery. That will get you in a place where both of you can heal.
At the point of affair recovery, healing is more important than ultimatums and the perfection they often demand. We heal in relationship with each other rather than separately.
God will work through the spouse you are married to, better than some hypothetical ‘perfect’ spouse from a Prince Charming fantasy.
It’s only when you and the cheater feel safe that good change starts happening. This is why I have a section in the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” focused on creating safety in your home.
Safety in your home is not about electrical outlet covers, it’s about emotional safety. There are things you can do that enhance the emotional safety of your home that makes healing possible.
You can make your home a place where the two of you want to go rather than what the two of you avoid.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
