In working with couples struggling through affairs, I’ve learned lessons about what works along with what makes things worse.
One of the bad habits I continue seeing is that of cheating spouses continued protection of their phones. Using claims of privacy and ‘it’s MY personal business’, they hide their phone information from their spouse. The stunner is that they express surprise that their spouse doesn’t trust them.
In the past, it was a matter of hiding sites they visited on the internet. Now, it’s hiding their activity on their cell phones. They now have specialized apps that hide files and activity.
They haven’t learned the hard lesson about how the more you hide something, the more your spouse will want to know about it. The whole idea of ‘forbidden knowledge’ adds excitement and intrigue to the situation.
Another bad habit is that of staggered disclosure. With staggered disclosure, the cheater shares tidbits of information rather than telling the truth all at once.
In their mind, they believe it hurts less when you only tell a few items at a time. They don’t grasp how it stretches out the hurt rather than allowing you to get over it quickly. It amounts to a slow drawn out torture than a benevolent act.
Bad habits like these make getting over the affair take longer and hurt worse than necessary. I recognize that working through discovery isn’t easy for both spouses. Although it isn’t easy, doing things that keep the pain going doesn’t help.
These bad habits make reconciliation and healing more difficult. If you have hopes of restoring intimacy, doing things to avoid pain makes it worse.
A better guide is doing what brings healing, honesty and understanding is seeking after the truth, however ugly or painful it is. Dealing with the truth allows you to know where you stand, what happened and where your marriage is at.
In the video, Getting Past the Affair Crisis, I share with you ways of getting through the initial shock that comes with discovery. The pain doesn’t have to be prolonged. There are things that each of you can do in navigating through the challenges.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
