In thinking through how cheating starts, I have realized some surprising insights. One is that many affairs begin as “imagined” or inflated problems. The cheater either imagines a problem, or in some cases, takes an existing problem, and inflates the potential consequences or significance of that problem. Once the imagined’ problem is inflated enough, it seems too big to solve within the marriage. At that point, they begin viewing the affair as a solution’ to their problem. The affair is what they wanted in the first place, it is just that the imagined crisis provides a way for them to indulge their desires without having the hassles associated with guilt bothering them. They want built in guilt reduction for what they are planning on doing. When the affair is a solution to a problem, they do not see the affair as a problem in and of itself.
By viewing the affair as a solution, they feel less guilty than had they just gone out and had a fling without provocation. The imagined problem allows them to indulge in the affair with as little guilt as possible.
The whole process is a mind game. It is not being honest about the problem, or the solution. It is not being honest with themselves or you.
In order to discover if this is going on, you will need to listen to the cheater. You will need to listen without reacting. Your reactions and defensiveness may interfere with your ability to actually hear what they are telling you. Yes, I know that they are not telling you the truth’. Rather than confront them at this time, try to understand their truth’. Once you decipher what their truth is, you can understand their motivations for the affair, how their mind game works and what their needs are.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
