Lies and affairs go together hand in hand. Lies to spouses, lies to lovers, lies to the cheater, lies to yourself. Each liar excuses their own lies, often claiming ‘good intentions.’ Excusing lies only leads to more lies.
White Lies and Black Lies <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Tonight’s topic is dealing with white lies and black lies.
As you’re dealing with an affair, lying, as we’ve talked about before, often goes hand in hand with affairs. One of the sideline topics of lies and dealing with lying is that whole issue of white lies and black lies, and dealing with the difference between them. And understanding that.
Because although the cheater lies, many times you may find yourself lying, or the people that surround you may be lying to you. And you’re going to have to sort through all this stuff. Since affairs and lies often go together hand in hand, you’re going to need to find a way to deal with it because there’s lies told to spouses, lies told to lovers, lies told to the cheater, lies you tell yourself.
And each liar excuses what they have done, saying I had good intentions, I meant well, I didn’t mean to hurt you. It could be any one of half a dozen excuses. What is in common with these is they want to excuse themselves. When other people lie to them it’s a big deal, but when they lie it’s not a big deal. And the reason is they had good intentions. They didn’t mean to hurt anybody. They had best interests at heart.
What you’re going to need to keep in mind here, because when you go around excusing lies, even your own lies, that only leads to more lies. Not fewer lies. I know that sounds like kind of a crazy type of logic. Well, if I do this lying and do it with a good intention it’s going to reduce the lies. No it’s not. It’s going to increase them. You’re going to have even more to deal with. And that’s what you’re going to have to do here, wake up and start telling the truth about things.
The solution is going to be quit tolerating the lies, whether white lies or black lies. You’re going to have to quit accepting either one, whether or not people were doing it out of good intentions or whether they were doing it out of bad intentions. Quit tolerating it.
In order to do this I’ve got three things that you can do. Number one, make honesty and truth a priority. When you make honesty and truth a priority, of course it’s got a price tag to it, because when people start being honest with you and giving you truthful answers they may say things that make you feel uncomfortable. They may say things that you didn’t want to hear.
Well, what’s more important? Believing lies, or believing the truth. When you start making honesty and truth a priority this is one of the things that happens.
Along these lines, let me go ahead and point out that when you are going around demanding immediate answers to questions, and demanding immediate responses as you ask people things, that sets the stage for a lot of lies. That demanding immediacy is often what leads to lies. You may want to go ahead and cut down on demanding the immediate answers by stressing that you want honesty rather than a quick answer. Because too many times you’ve probably gone around wanting the quick answer rather than the truthful one.
Number two, you’re going to need to give your spouse time to speak. What I mean here, honesty often takes time. And if you want the honesty you’ve got to give them time. Not only to speak, but time to think through their answers. Time to go ahead and sort things together in their head. Because with honesty being what your goal is, that’s going to be more important than just filling the time with a lot of words.
In hearing them out, that does not mean you agree with them. I realize there will be times that they will tell you lies, that they will tell you whoppers of a lie. That’s fine at this point, because our main goal is recovering from the affair, and part of that is getting the marriage around to where it is one based on truth and honesty. Not based on quick answers and people saying things that you want to hear.
Make it a point, go ahead and give them their space, hear them out. Because in hearing them out it also sends a strong non-verbal message that you really do want to listen to them. At this point, when you’re talking about recovery from a marriage, you want them to know that you’re interested in what they have to say. Because many times when you start showing an interest that changes the dynamics to where they want to be interested in you.
Number three, you’ve got to practice being honest and truthful with yourself. It’s one thing when you’re expecting other people to be honest with you, when you may be deluding yourself about things. If honesty is going to become a way of life for you it’s got to start with you.
This is important, because when you are used to the truth and used to hearing the truth, even to yourself, what that will lead to is that you will recognize the truth when you hear it. A lot of times people are taken in by lies because they’re not used to hearing the truth. They’re used to hearing something smooth, something that sounds nice. And since that’s what they’re used to, that’s what they see.
And it may be easier for somebody to lie and tell them something that sounds good, rather than be honest with them. Thing is, when you make the decision to go ahead and be honest with yourself and you practice it day in and day out, and you surround yourself with truth, then when you hear it you’ll know it.
When you hear something and it doesn’t sound true, since that’s what you have surrounded yourself with, you’re going to pick up on it.
These three things will help you make your way through all the white lie and black lie, because many times the big difference between white lies and black lies is that the white lies are told with good intentions on somebody’s part. The same lie, as to whether or not it’s white or black, oftentimes just depends on who’s telling it and who’s on the receiving end.
In dealing with this, number one, make honesty and truth a priority. It’s got to be important to you. Moreso than fast answers.
Number two, when you’re talking to your spouse give them time to speak. When you’re talking to their family give them time to speak.
Number three, practice being honest and truthful, even with yourself.
These are three things that if you go ahead and start this, starting even now, they’ll start making a turnaround. You didn’t get lost in this sea of lies overnight, and you’re not going to get out of this sea of lies overnight. But you can start taking the steps to point you in that direction, to where you will eventually get out of it. And these are some things to start.
I’ve enjoyed being with you this evening and these items you can take and you can put them into practice right now. Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Thank you for tuning in.
