The image of sitting under your own fig tree and vines, enjoying a meal and the company of your spouse is a wonderful image of how things should be. You may have your own variations to this image, yet I believe you get the idea.
One of the challenges with this idyllic image is that some spouses want to enjoy the company of others, and seek the shade of other people’s fig trees. Rather than be content with you and the life they have, they want MORE.
They desire what other’s have. They want other lovers, the want other pleasures. They imagine the grass is greener elsewhere. They’re not content with the marriage they have.
Discontent is a problem for many in today’s society. Advertising and marketing often exploit this discontent in order to sell people products that promise, yet rarely deliver.
These days, the promise is made regarding the non-tangibles. People are sold beer based on the promise of good times, good friends and making you popular.
There are some consumers making purchases based on such promises. The products are not sold on the quality of what they make, but rather what it can do for you.
Cheaters approach cheating this way. They have an affair, seeking a non-tangible. They want companionship, love, good sex, admiration and a host of other non-tangibles.
In most cases, the tangibles are not what they seek. They want what the affair can do for them. They want how it ignites passion, invigorates lust and ways it makes them feel.
Lovers and cheaters enter their relationship dance based on promises of non-tangibles. If they were honest and talked about all the fights, risk of diseases, worry, and heartache the relationship will bring, there would be few takers.
The tangibles of costs, consequences, disease, and conflicts aren’t considered. The fantasies of the intangibles outweigh the tangibles.
Honesty isn’t what cheaters and lover traffic in. They know that honesty will not sell an affair. Honesty repulses potential cheaters. Potential cheater want deception and trickery.
They want someone promising them non-tangibles they realistically can’t have.
In the ebook, “Why He Cheats” , I go deeper into the role of fantasies and the inner workings of their mind. If you are lost and seeking answers to “What where they thinking?” this book is for you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
What you say MAY apply to many who cheat….What do you say about those who lay all the cards on the table …both agree to whatever they MIGHT glean from the adultery but also do not invest enough and also have the ‘option’ to walk out if any of those downsides appear…as they will.
In my husband’s case he always walked out on any kind of discussion in which he did not agree. He holds all the ‘cards’ in terms of finance in our marriage as we began with the idea that the wife and mother stays in the home ..as homeMAKER …not drudge…it is an honor and a privilege to be a wife and create a home…and to be there with the children ..and even home-school . I LOVED moving on into homemaker after I had worked in my career …I APPRECIATED what it took to work outside the home,
One thing though …I appreciated him working but I was a bit apologetic he had to work so hard…but you know what …I have since realized that GOD commanded man to work because work is part of what makes a man A MAN ! It is good and healthy. but SOME husbands make work their GOD and escape from responsiblilities .
God told man his first responsibility was to God and then the man’s wife….work was to support family not the other way around …I was raised with the wrong perspective on that …as if we should be sorry for a man who has to go to work every day! A poor platform …it creates a place for a man who is a user to take advantage of his wife’s empathy for him ….opportunists use this attribute to manipulate the spouse….to get whatever they want.
It is far from the way the social engineers have propagandized generations now to think of wife and mother as the lowest …In God’s economy ….marriage and family are the highest , most honorable and cherished of vocations …to be HIS is a calling and to function by His design is fulfilling as a person invests in learning about it …and then living in it.
My husband sought after living life by his own whims….as he turned away and did not care about the things he knew of GOD . He sought women who were as shallow as he and damaged enough to ‘settle’ as he put it…..So why would he want someone that he felt was ‘settling’ for being an OW ….that alone belies that he views those who do so as somehow ‘losers’ who can’t get any better arrangement ! So why would he want one ? He had a wife at home who lacked nothing …no brag …but any man who marries a women MUST have viewed her has his best ‘catch! Why seek anyone else that he would view as ‘LESSER’ than his first choice,,,AND the mother of his children!.
None of them intended to ‘put up’ with restraints upon their lust for independence…..I say they were not just covetous but cowards…they wanted all the benefits of marriage but without the work. THIEVES!
Thus …they both decided that they could trade sex until something better came along…He cheated on me …he cheated on his long time OW with two other OWomen who did not want any kind of deeper relationship than occasional fancy meals and drinks bi coastal.
How my husband could come home and look into the eyes of his children and carry on this lie is hard to believe…but he found women who KNEW what he was offering them…and in some cases they were the solicitors…..and NONE of these needed the money since they all made the same kind of money as they all worked in the same industry
I think now society thinks of illicit sex as part of being a ‘success’. Some kind of expected ‘perk’ in politics and big business….the lowest , scummiest, behavior a ‘privilege’ ? of the elite???? That is the lie of the god of this world…but they seem to get away with it …don’t they …JOB had some comments on this as did King David…the wicked prosper ..for a time
I heard of the ‘office wife’ once and it nearly turned my stomach at the time ,..because of how I held the Word of God and HIS views of all things high . The depth of disrespect for godly living is HUGE in the corporate industry ..especially in those which are ABOUT finance.
Of course …Money is not the ‘root of all evil’ but “the LOVE of money is the root of all evil’ and those businesses which are all about investment draw the same sort …They are posers but if you observe them at a party and listen you begin to see and hear the deceitful false fronts …
My focus was always on learning and listening and then regarding from the point of view of the WOrd…speaking the word whenever the conversation came around to some issue applicable. The response to the Word is just as Jesus said it would be ….it is not the WAY we speak …or the WAY we look …the offense of the WORD is offensive to those who seek to hide and approve SIN.
This is the state of many who enter that business…it is not too long before the change in the person begins to appear as they are more concerned about what the already sold out to defiling attitudes have and think …even to throwing their God and spouse under the bus.
When D DAY happened my husband’s first concern was about the OW …He was not bothered about the losses and the depth of pain I was experiencing ..His first concern was that he ‘could not throw the OW ‘under the bus” …and so he has thrown our entire family under the bus financially …despite that eventual loss HE himself is now becoming the victim of as well .
He actually did not care that much about any of the women that he had sex with …even though he had two two to three year adulteries AS he was having his OW long term..so he cheated upon ME ..and HER and with two others who did not want anything more than a ‘good time’ ..
ALL of them KNEW he was married with young children …and a wife who was a ‘good wife’ , loving , sacrificial and moral
So my husband walked out on our family before Thanksgiving ..and has the ‘separate life ‘ he has ‘always wanted’ according to him!
Nice to realize that he “never loved me ‘ but simply stayed married …I think to keep other women from pressuring him to make deeper commitments..and the women he chose were those who agreed to just be there for ‘fun’ .
These were not ‘hookers’ but business women …some married!
I see the ads in this day and time for Ashley Madison and the like and want to scream.
But the worst of this is not just the pain, disease and other losses …but the SOULS of these who play with fire and do not believe they will have to answer to anyone for it …here and now or ever!
It is very much what GOD has spoken of in the Bible about the last days being as the days of Noah….every thought of man’s heart being ‘evil’ ….
You know people have a pretty shallow idea of what is ‘evil’ …in fact as Isaiah point out …they call what is ‘evil ‘ by God’s definition ” good” and what is ‘good ‘ by God’s definitions ….”evil”
But God told us why this occurs …”MY people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’ …” this is referring not to man’s knowledge but the knowledge of GOD’S WORD …HIS WORD IS HIS WILL
So the ‘non tangible’s may be a drawing card to some …but my husband HAD all of what you mention …except nothing was ever enough …and so he wanted a little ‘something ‘ ….because no one was the ‘whole package’ according to him
What a poor ’empty suit’ ….just appalling …the man had MORE of what every man dreams of or is fed the line by the world they should want…and yet NOTHING and NO ONE was ever enough.
He lives alone ….I think….he is house-sitting for someone he answered an ad for …he says …who knows …he does not disclose anything to me …it has always been one of the worst dynamics …half truths …withholding …living a secret life.
NOW he believes he has nothing to hide since he has left to live alone ..or at least away from our home.
He visits our daughters and takes them out …both adults…He visits the children of the OW several times a week. He wants to have a ‘relationship’ with his children but treats me now like he has treated the OW …
He does not seem able to carry on an authentic adult relationship ..where there are responsibilities for concern for how his behavior , choices and actions EFFECT his wife and family or anyone else .
As long as he can schmooze others who are not given too close a view ..he is all set to finish his life according to how ever he feels he wants to …no matter how anyone else’s life is effected by him.
Sooner or later the younger children by the adultery are going to see through him….
Keeping up a false front must be exhausting.
We are indeed two opposites …When we courted and married I made every effort to give him a transparent view of me and my heart …ongoing ..hoping it might bring security to him to do likewise…no …he only became more and more private….
I was raised to be respectful of people’s privacy …I did not pry …I waited for him to share his life with me …he never did …HE set up a false reality in our marriage that I had no idea went as deep as it did …I felt outside of it but there was nothing I knew to do but allow that he would see I was trustworthy.
I think part of this is that when someone is sneaky they don’t trust anyone else despite the 33 years of my having demonstrated being honest , open and loyal …as I continue to realize I have a higher authority than me , my husband or society to answer to …and it is true ..Honesty IS the best policy …
I do not have regrets for my own conduct …and I have always tried to examine my own self by the Word …so I could be made aware of ‘beams’ …but my husband has lived as if he himself is above scrutiny
The Bible tells us that all of us will give an account for how we have lived…both good and bad.
For believers we are able to stand before the Lord despite all …because He is our Savior from the final judgment …all have sinned and come short of the glory of GOD but not all have availed themselves of the offering of a Savior provided by GOD to save us from the judgment upon sin …
Jesus Christ became sin …HE knew NO Sin …but became sin that HE might be the full payment for sin …in the flesh.
So it is that no matter what we are called to pray for those who are deceived and captive of sin …and to love our enemies ..by way of offering them the Savior …which many of them may not like…and turn and rend…yet we are commanded to pray for them …even our enemies.
So my husband did not necessarily want non tangibles…except the fantasies perhaps…because he MADE tangible whatever he wanted ,…time after time with new faces and bodies …he ‘peopled’ his fantasy world and can’t help but realize that he wanted to recreate the life of ‘James Bond’ in his lifestyle….
He was not an alcoholic but alcohol did have a place in his life …as he set aside time with his family to go for drinks with his employees and co workers…and every event of his sexual sin was preceded by alcohol of some degree.
I was reading the DMV booklet a while back …they said even ONE drink was going to alter one’s reasoning ability …interesting ….
I don’t care so much for alcohol…though I worked in bars and cocktail lounges….I would share the word! Hahaha…not so much a teetotaler because of my faith but I see the wisdom of avoiding it …people would become so distorted after a few ….some obnoxious, some embarrassing themselves….and rude.
So I did not want to party that way …it was simply a waste of time to me …even as a college student.
As I observed my husband’s family having their social drinks when they gathered….it was OK until it went on too long and usually I became the target of their slanderous remarks …about why I did not care to drink….I would let them hand me one …the first visit to meet his parents his dad made me a drink ..which I tried to taste and it was nearly all alcohol…I could not drink it ..and he chided me for not liking it …
I should have taken more note of this at the time.
His parents were nice people but when the alcohol ‘warmed’ them up …they were unpleasant…it is never fun to be the sober person in the midst of people who get loose when not necessarily drunk but loosened up by it .
My husband did not defend me …
I thought since he was beginning to become active in Bible fellowship that this would change …that he would be transformed as the Word tells us when we ‘renew our minds’ …but the thing is just reading the Word does not have the impact it can if the person is only reading to read it …if you get my meaning.
Matthew tells us that those who ‘hunger and thirst ‘ after righteousness.
My husband had too many great attributes in the natural realm and soon felt he did not need to be involved in any more of the Bible.
The truth is that ALL people are needy of the Lord …even those who are full of great ability …but THAT in and of itself may turn them from continuing since they do not SEE their need.
Much of what we find in church among those who have seen their need for the Savior are those who are meek to God and the WORD and may not be flaunting their greatness!
This may not have been attractive to a man who believed he should be among the ‘winners’ of the world …and the ‘winners of the world ‘are often times just that “OF THE WORLD ‘ …and Jesus pointed out that the world will love IT”S OWN .,…and that those who follow HIM are NOT “OF THIS WORLD”
So my husband’s heart was eventually stolen away from his beginnings in the Word and in his marriage and he was lured away as scripture points out …by the ‘world , the flesh and the devil’ …not necessarily in that order…THe offense of the gospel was more than he wanted to endure .
Those who mattered to him were those who were offended by the Gospel….sad…but true.
Instead of the goodness of GOD drawing him …the ‘false goodness’ of the popular crowd drew him away ..and where were they when my husband began to flounder? Still nowhere to be seen.
All who are faithful he uses….and I can hope in the Lord’s working this out….I have to keep on following Him.
I am alone …my husband communicates with me THROUGH our daughters …just as he does not communicate directly with the OW .
Apparently his ‘rules’ are working out for him …so far.
It is out of order…and so it will not turn out any better than anything he did before that was out of order.
But what is it they say about insanity ? Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.
Him finally leaving you is in my opinion his most selfless act. It allows you to begin to heal and eventually it will allow you the opportunity to be lovingly embraced by a God loving man. From what I’ve read, by your accounts, I think you’ve suffered enough. Regards.
Thank you Stormy, what you say is supportive and appreciated….However I am going by the exhortation I have from the Word to keep my vows. Not easy and probably does not make much sense to most people . I just think I make my life up by the choices I make each day.
In the past when our relationship was not as satisfying as I wanted or it might have been had my husband had the same perspective perhaps it would have become more satisfying to him too.
I made the choice each day to keep my vows and become better and more of what I found in my study to learn how to be a married person as well as a follower of Jesus Christ.
It is what kept ME from doing what he chose to do. I am not saying I was always pleasant to live with …ugh …menopause was horrible …I often wonder how different those difficult days might have been had medical help been available then…and had my husband been following what GOD told husband’s to do as well.
I realize hormone have a huge impact upon some of us …and I had a tough time with all kinds of things…thank God for HRT now!
Every marriage has a diverse number of challenges …it is simply immature and unrealistic for some people to think that they are entitled to SMOOTH sailing ..and we all feel that way to some degree …we do not marry a person and expect them to always be sunny and bright.
My husband simply refused to enter into marriage and become one …it seems he felt that he should be entitled to maintain a single man identity.
I find this hard to realize as I read his letters and our letters from those early years. I perceive now that he had little interest in sacrificing anything of his desires for fun and freedom. He just hid it very well .
I am taking this time to try to learn more and stay close to the Lord to allow Him to work in me .
I do not have a smooth sailing life …maybe some feel being a Christian is something like living with one’s head in the sand ..that was not my problem as I came out of a fellowship where we learned to live with one another in close proximity with a desire to learn to walk in love and wisdom …also over those years before marriage I worked with others and there was no effort to hide or lie among them because they wanted to learn what to lay down before the Lord .
Anyway that kind of perspective takes realizing the benefit of being corrected by the Lord through His Word …or among the brethren.
My husband was taught by his parents that nobody had anything to tell him about GOD or anything that was remotely connected to morals and manners. I wish I had taken more heed to this aspect of his upbringing . I had believed that his claim of believing in God was a good enough indication that he was going to grow more and more .
He had such a loving , kind and engaging manner at that time and he was actively involving himself in fellowships and classes that I trusted that he would continue ….I took time with what I could learn to do to ‘vet’ him as a believer…I missed some of the red flags.
Still once married I believe my ‘assignment’ is to keep my vows and follow after the Lord and allow the time for the Lord to work on this .
I know the temptation for many who are in this spot …but I am willing to await what will come about as I continue to keep in the Word to learn how it will.
I thank you for your empathy …I am down sometimes for sure …but I will keep on awaiting and while I await ..I will keep on studying and serving where I may.
Hugs for your helpful remarks!