Not Admitting to the Affair

You may wonder “How do I handle a cheater who will not admit to their affair?” Although this should be a simple matter where they just admit to what they did. With some cheaters, it is not quite that simple.

In their mind, they have split off the reality of the affair from what they imagined so much that  that they sincerely believe that it did not happen or that it is not that big of a deal. This is not unusual in situations where they have rehearsed the affair so many times in their head that it has turned it into ‘no big deal’ to themselves.

Although some are in such denial that they can’t tell the difference, there are some cheaters that are out and out lying to you. They know what they did, but refuse to admit it.

In their mind, if they do not admit to it, then they do not have to deal with it. They assume that they can only be held accountable for what they admit to. This may work with the legal system, but not for marriage.

When the cheater is this kind of liar, they assume that they are smarter than you, and may even demean your abilities to understand/comprehend/grasp what all is involved in the affair.

The assumption is made that you don’t understand their situation or their needs, or who they are.  They may even believe that they are ‘protecting’ you by keeping it from you.

When that happens, they believe that by keeping you from the pain, they are doing you a service. They are so warped that keeping the affair from you in their mind is ‘doing the right thing’.

In one of my e-books, I go into greater detail on how to tell the difference between lying and denial. That description goes into the signs and symptoms of each.

For this post, my focus is on dealing with the attitude of the cheater, which may be sincere in denying the affair. They often come across as sincere. They may also sincerely believe that they are helping your marriage by keeping it quiet.

The scary thing is that many therapist types adhere to the ‘keeping secrets’ mentality, which only reinforces them in what they are doing. In such cases, they are taking the ‘utilitarian’ approach where you tell about the affair only if it brings more happiness to the marriage.

Such types discourage disclosure if it happened in the distant past, would have little to no impact on your present marriage or if the cheater has already done the work of getting past the affair.

If you are seeking a counselor, then you may want to find out their views on keeping the ‘secret’ of an affair from spouses. In my case, since an affair, be it past or present does impact your marriage, it needs to be discussed. It is up to you and your spouse to decide whether previous improprieties will impact your marriage.

If you’re wondering what to do next, the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” guides you through ways of dealing with misunderstandings, and the emotional upheavals. It covers from disclosure through recovery.

Best Regards,

Jeff