After my recent post on sexual addiction, it became clear that you may need some information on interventions. An intervention occurs when you confront the addict on their behavior and present their options to them. Every intervention is unique in terms of how it is is done and the response from the one being confronted. Although there are some common elements to interventions, neither you nor those experienced with interventions can predict what will happen.
In confronting the addict, you will need to share from your heart. Your sharing will need to be from what you have felt. For example, “Each time that you walk out that door, I shudder with fear, never knowing what may happen. I tremble inside, fearing what you may do when the door closes. All through the day, I live in torment, wondering if you ever consider what I am going through. I love you and when I see how you come home, it breaks my heart. I quit asking where you’ve been, since I grew tired of falling for the lies. While you are gone, my mind goes wild playing out all the possible things you may be doing and how many people you may have cheated with.” This is the type of approach you want to take. Approaches that start with “You are an insensitive and selfish b—–. You never consider how your actions effect your family. You just walk out the door and never give it a second thought until you come home, when you want me to kiss you and act like everything is alright”. Although both approaches may be true, you want to get your message across without giving them ammunition for a fight.
You will also need to time to intervention for the best impact. There is no perfect time, which is why I use the term ‘best impact’. It may be when you reached the limit of your hurt, or they had a near death episode, or some major crisis has brought things to the forefront. In the intervention you want to increase the tension, rather than rescue them. This is tough. When you see your spouse hurting, it is natural to jump in and get them out of the tension. With an intervention, you want to increase the tension to where they are willing to get help to deal with it. Getting help is the option you want them to choose as a way to reduce the tension.
This will help get you started on dealing with interventions.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
Thanks
on the front of exposure. No one knows.what she is doing. Her family and our friends are very close to us. I am close with her large family but I don’t know how I’m going to tell them or if I should. They will support the idea. However I’m concerned that telling them will completely shut her off to me and any chance of reconciliation. I can’t keep this secret any longer.. I do “rescue ” her, comfort her. Daily. We sleep together and kiss goodnight every day. However she accepts no responsibility for her actions. I actually physilally tremble every day when she leaves for work. I ask her to stop. Ishe kisses me good-bye..says I love you.have a great day then runs to him and comes home trying to be normal… this has been the pattern for years. We do alone time, dates.family vacations.and you would think that nothing is wrong unless you knew me and wonder why I’m a little dispondent. Where to go.what to do. Exposure..?
itsbeen so long,
Exposure can be a two-edged sword. You may want to consider your reason/motivation for exposure. If she senses that you are doing it just to embarrass her or for your own self, she may focus on that, and things blow up. You need to have a motivation of love and do it with the attitude that the lifestyle she is leading is destroying her, you, and the lives of the other men. She may not realize the emotional and spiritual turmoil she is sowing in her life and everyone around her. In other words, she may not view what she is doing in terms of the long-term consequences. Approaching ‘exposure’ from that angle will help with ‘framing’ the intervention and lessen the likelihood of negative blowback on you.