Discovering that the cheater is having an affair is bad news. It is even worse news when you find out that they are not ending the affair. When they choose not to end the affair, it puts you in an awkward position.
First, consider what their actions are communicating. Every one of their actions are telling you something. Consider what their unwillingness to end the affair is telling you.
One thing it is telling you is that they are in a classic approach-avoidance conflict. Let me break it down for you. When the cheater is ambivalent about the situation, they are experiencing pleasant and unpleasant associations that keep them from making a commitment.
It may be true that they are not willing to make choices or upset people by taking stands. It still concerns me when a cheater is unwilling to commit to their marriage. When they are unwilling to commit, I often wonder two things.
Those two things are 1) What is drawing them back into the marriage? When they have nothing or little to draw them back, it can be telling you something about your marriage. When there is little or nothing to draw them back, it could be something on their part or your part. You will want to make sure that there IS something that motivates them to want to be with you. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I spend more time addressing this in the form of putting out the welcome mat and making them feel safe.
The second thing I consider is what is pushing them away? Is it that there is something pushing them out or is it that the affair is pulling them so strongly they either can’t resist or that their ability to resist is so weak?
If they tell you that something is ‘pulling’ them into the affair, how do you react? Do you dismiss such statements, or do you try understanding what they are saying. It is not beyond a lover to use spells, seductions, hypnotic trances, wild seductive sex or even drugs to capture cheaters. Although I am a Christian, it is not beyond some lovers to use such techniques to ‘have and hold’ the cheater. There are some people who literally practice ‘all if fair in love and war’.
Keep in mind, that when a person resorts to ‘date rape’ drugs, it is not unrealistic that they would use love spells, trances, rituals or other tools beyond the initial seduction. When desperate, the lover may resort to desperate measures.
If you had dismissed the cheater’s remarks, you may not fully realize what you are up against. In breaking through such desperate measures, it will take the two of you working together. The power of those measures can be broken, yet it will take the two of you working together.
Best Regards,
Jeff
