You may find the thought of parental meddling odd concerning an affair, yet the threat is very real. When affairs occur, many adult children still consult with their parents at some time during the ordeal. Although the parents were likely a part of the wedding ceremony and signed the guest book, they soon forget what that meant.
By signing the guest register, and being part of the ceremony, they are agreeing to help keep the couple together. They are ‘witnesses’ to a sacred ceremony. Some parents forget what that means.For most parents, it is merely going through a ceremony whose meanings have been lost.
Rather than help the couple stay together through the crisis, they work toward separating them. Some parents do this in an overt manner, while others are sneaky and do their work covertly.Those taking the overt path openly take sides in a potential affair crisis. They quickly stand by their child, even when it means turning the other spouse into the ‘bad’ one. By taking sides and speaking out, they make sure that whatever temporary distance was created between their child and the spouse is made more permanent rather than work at trying to get the two of them to talk and work things out.
The overt parents may even go so far as to actively involve themselves in confronting the cheater or the lover. They disregard any boundaries you may have set and go full speed ahead in confronting the issues all in the name of ‘protecting their child’. Somewhere along the way, they forgot that they ‘gave’ that child away in a marriage ceremony. Although they are fast to jump on violations of the wedding vows, they downplay their violation of their wedding vows as well.
The covert parents often contribute to any splitting in a quiet manner. They spread rumors and take side out of ‘concern’. Although they do not openly attack the spouse of their child, they say things like, “You know, it might not be so bad if they were apart” or “I think you can find someone who appreciates you better”.
The covert parents may even rearrange family photos to ‘remove’ the spouse they dislike. Although they do not openly speak bad of them, they make their character attacks quietly, so as to avoid the high drama.
Although the parents claim that their children have no respect for the institution of marriage, they themselves disregard the institution when they work toward splitting the couple apart.
It is common that parents will side with their children, yet they have an obligation to work for restoration rather than steer the children to the divorce court. This may involve confrontation of unacceptable behaviors, keeping their peace at times and forgiving rather than taking up offenses.
In cases where parents forget their obligations, steps may need to be taken that will establish clear boundaries in the situation.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
