I was struck by a search query concerning ‘unloving’. What struck me was the word itself. When you hear ‘unloving’ what does it mean to you?
With the “un” in front of it, you are immediately faced with something being undone or taken apart. In this case, you are looking at the dismantling of love in a marriage.
I get the part about unloving being the taking apart of love, what you and I do not know, is how far the unloving goes. Does it go to the point of apathy, or to the point of hate? When your spouse is unloving, are you saying that they don’t care, they are apathetic or that they hate you?
When I consider ‘unloving’, I look at it as part of a process that someone begins. They begin the process of undoing the love they have for their spouse. When the cheater begins their unloving, is it before or after the affair? In my experience, the ‘unloving’ starts before the affair. The cheater begins pulling away and distancing themselves before an affair happens.
The affair often cements the distance that has already been created. The distance that had been developing over time has now been solidified. What was once a give and take, open for negotiation situation is gone. The room for give and take that once existed is gone. Once the affair happens, the relationship changes. The room for negotiation becomes more narrow.
I mention this so that you can stop the process of unloving before it goes too far. When your spouse pulls away, the time to deal with it is then. Waiting until your marriage is ‘on the rocks’ or an affair happens does not mean it is hopeless, it does mean it will require more work.
When you hear phrases like “I don’t love you anymore” or “I am no longer in love with you” these are signals that ‘unloving’ has begun. It is also a sign that someone in the marriage has a definition of love that is based on ’emotions’ and sensations’ rather than ‘commitment’ and ‘dedication’.
When it comes time to repair the damage from the ‘unloving’ you will need to decrease the distance between the two of you and change the definition of love that they are using. If you do not change the definition of love that they are using, it may only be a matter of time you have to revisit the issue. When love is based on emotion and sensation, it will always need to be entertained and fed. As long as you entertain it and feed it, all will be well, but there will be the insecurity about your position in your marriage.
I mention this with ‘unloving’ because some people falsely claim that they are ‘out of love’, using the same terms as being ‘out of gas’. These kinds of statements are indications that their definition of love is one that has to be entertained and fed. When this kind of event happens, it is not ‘unloving’ since they do not have a stable or healthy view of love in the first place.
How the cheater talks about their love for you is important to take note of. How they express it gives you clues as to what is happening inside of them, what their needs are and what their definition of love is. It is important to note that the definition of love they tell you may be VERY different from the definition of love they live by.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
