“Why is the cheater so angry? or What does the anger do for the cheater?”

There are times you may ask yourself why your spouse is so angry or reacts with such anger to you. Since anger in 95% of the situations, is a secondary emotion, there is something else going on. The underlying issue behind the anger varies from person to person. Over the years I have learned to pay attention to this. When someone is experiencing an out of control anger reaction, there is something else going on. It is not just being angry about what happened as much as we are trying to communicate that “something else.”

Neither I nor anyone else can tell you what triggered that anger with 100% certainty with a simple answer. Usually there are multiple underlying issues. So when you ask ‘why’, there is no simple, one size fits all answer. This is one reason I detest ‘why’ questions.

Answers to the ‘why’ provide you with a possible explanation and give you someone or something to blame. If you are asking ‘why’ you are already searching for answers that have limited use and in the wrong place.

Instead of looking at and getting caught up in the ‘why’ of the anger, which I don’t know with total certainty, let’s examine what the anger does and how it operates.

What I can tell you is that the cheater needs the anger. It is a coping mechanism they use in dealing with his or her own true feelings. To face those feelings would be too much for the cheater to handle. For them, it’s easier reacting with anger than honestly dealing with what they experience prior to their reaction.

By keeping the anger and you, as the primary target of that anger, then it keeps him or her from facing their own issues head-on.

Since anger is a powerful emotion, it brings with it the added ‘push’ they need to take action on what they have been planning. They need the anger in pushing themselves to take risks. They need the anger to motivate them. The stronger the anger and the louder you protest, then it gives them a false sense of being in control. They can blame you for their cheating because they are angry with your reaction.

Some people have a need to feel negative emotions such as anger. It may be a result of some past life experience with anger. They have an angry personality that is not easily managed, so they constantly need to find situations in their lives where it can be used.

Being around someone who over uses anger always has a negative effect on the people around them. It is draining and uncomfortable for anyone except the person using those feelings as a tool.

The bad feelings make them take action on what they’ve been planning, and fuel for taking risks is almost always needed if you’re going to do something risky or daring.

They hold grudges so that they’ll always be able to access the extra emotional energy when it’s time for an adrenaline rush again – like having a spare tank of gasoline just in case your car gets low before you get home from work one day.

Anger is also a handy way of avoiding vulnerability, shutting down discussions and deflecting issues they don’t want to discuss. With an angry look or a few angry words, they can shut down or avoid many unpleasant matters.

When you look at the anger, then it doesn’t help you by giving you a reason to remain angry. In doing so, you are just re-enforcing a behavior/reaction that serves no positive purpose. You become what they want – someone who will justify their actions while blaming everyone else for his or her cheating.

They also know that a particular unapproving look, or sharp tone of voice often stops communication and shuts you down.

Anger is an effective way to cover up certain parts of one’s emotional makeup. It can be used as a temporary fix for many issues, and it often hides the shame that they feel about themselves; guilt from past actions; or embarrassment over their current situation in life. Anger directed toward you will allow them to avoid feeling these negative emotions even more so than before – which only makes matters worse!

In many cases, the more guilt they feel, the greater the amount of anger.

When the cheater is angry at you or what you do, they have a built-in dynamo of emotional energy to give them the energy for the affair and to keep it going.

People who cheat are often manipulative and can be emotionally abusive. They might say something they know will trigger you or do things that keep the anger going, like saying insensitive words or acting hurtful to make it seem as if their relationship is worth your while. The more angered you feel about what’s happening, the longer they’ll enjoy an easy life with somebody else unless YOU take charge of this situation now!

Many cheaters purposely do things that keeps the anger going- which includes harsh words and doing anything to provoke a reaction from you; even at times when its clear how much pain other actions cause them too in order for them to continue having some sort of power over our emotions… It sounds sick but believe me I’ve seen plenty cases where this happens.

This will give you some idea of what anger does for the cheater.

At this point, you need to consider which question gives you what you need. “Why the cheater is angry? or “What does the anger do for the cheater?” The questions you ask determine where you look for answers and what answers you find.

When they don’t tell you what is going on, it leaves you feeling crazy. You are left on your own to make sense of their emotions and reactions to you. It becomes a wild guessing game.

I often liken this experience to bowling with a sheet covering the pins. You are never quite sure whether you are getting through to them or not. No matter how much you improve your efforts and skill, you are still not sure how you’re doing.

Likewise, when you don’t see reactions, you don’t know what’s going on. The anger lets you know that you likely scored a direct hit, if not a near miss.

When they react with anger, it’s a sign that you’re getting close to the issues bothering them.

For more specialized help, contact me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com about a consultation package or online counseling. Your situation may call for more in-depth help.

Best Regards,

Jeff