In our fast moving culture, you expect things to happen fast. This also includes the healing of the marriage relationship after an affair.
You want things to happen as fast as they do in the movies. The mindset that there can be a crisis and it be resolved within 100 minutes often sinks into people’s thinking.
Make no mistake, the structure of movies trains your brain and emotions. Those movies shape your expectations about conflict and how fast they reach resolution.
Rebuilding trust takes time. The trust also needs to be built in terms of the cheater toward you and you toward the cheater.
It’s a street with two sides, with each needing attention and tender loving care.
Since we trust those we know, it could be that you and your spouse don’t know each other as well as you thought you did.
Rebuilding trust is a gradual thing. There will be days that it increases, and days that it decreases. It grows in small spurts.
Trust is not only gradual, it’s not an all or none phenomena. Typically we trust in some areas and struggle with others.
You learn where you can and can’t trust. When a day comes that trust decreases, it doesn’t mean all the trust is gone.
Some of the things to look for that indicate that trust is growing include:
1. You can trust the cheater to do what they say they will do.
2. The cheater shows a commitment to the relationship, even if it causes them discomfort.
3. You and your spouse spend more time talking about ‘real’ things.
4. Your spouse communicates to you where they are without resentments.
5. Your spouse takes your feelings and wishes into consideration more frequently.
6. Your spouse is honest in their communication with you, rather than telling you what you want to hear.
7. Your spouse trusts you with financial information.
8. Your spouse trusts you with their cell phone.
9. Your spouse no longer keeps their passwords and access codes secret.
These items will help you as you navigate through the process of rebuilding trust after an affair.
For more help on rebuilding the relationship after the affair, the video “How Can I Trust You Again?” addresses ways of rebuilding the trust.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
My husband has said several times that if we don’t have trust in our relationship, then it’s worthless. He wants me to just make a decision to trust him again and that’ll be the end of it. I keep telling him that it will take time.
I would be stupid to trust him again like before. I was so blindly trusting that I never questioned him. The signs were there but I always attributed them to something else because, above all, I always believed that he would do the right thing. Even if we had problems and somehow ended up divorced, I believed he would handle it the right way and end it with me before going on to someone else. I never ever thought he would betray me.
I think I will share your post with him. Maybe it will help him to understand the process a little better. Thank you.
It takes time to repair the trust. It is gradual. Expecting it to be there right away after someone confesses to a wrong is asking for trouble. The wring may be confessed, and forgiven, but it takes time for the damaged trust to be repaired.