A reader recently wrote, “Hi Jeff, it seems most of these emails are relating to my wife’s outlook instead of the person who did the offending.”
I acknowledged that a majority of my emails are written for the betrayed rather than the offender since that is who a majority of the readers are. I also told him that I would address his concern in an upcoming email.
Although the person who ‘did the offending’ had the affair, it doesn’t mean they are happy, or that they are pain-free. They may have found a temporary way of dealing with their pain, but that doesn’t mean it works. It may just mean that they are really good at pushing down their feelings and numbing themselves. It takes two people to cheat, but it only takes one to stop the affair.
I also know that being offended and playing the victim distracts couples from dealing with real problems.
The person who has the affair is usually someone who struggles with intimacy. They have a hard time being present in the moment and connecting with their partner on a deep emotional level. They feel alone in their emotional prison.
You can be very lonely even when surrounded by a roomful of people when you and your spouse are at odds with each other. That is a hard kind of loneliness to admit and face.
Affair recovery moves best when the two of you understand what each of you are going through. There are times you may struggle to find ways of expressing what you’re experiencing. That’s where the words of someone else, an email or book that captures what you’re struggling with comes in handy.
Although today’s society emphasizes equality, when it comes to affair recovery, the workload isn’t fair and it’s certainly not equal. At times the burden is on the cheater and at other times, it’s on the betrayed. The pain burden goes back and forth (this is what I refer to as the pain see-saw).
For best results, it’s going to take both of you hearing each other out and coming up with solutions that meet the needs. It’s a time where you find yourself testing each other rather than trusting each other. If you’re thin-skinned, this part of recovery may trigger many reactions.
Although one person can radically change the marriage, the best changes happen with both of you work together. (Yes, I did say one person can change the marriage).
After being requested several times, I put together the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”, which focuses on guiding the one ‘who did the offending’. The video guides you through what is needed from the discovery through the time the two of you start working together.
If you don’t know how to end things or know what to end, the video lays it out for both of you to know where to start. The volatile emotions can distract you from what you need to be doing. The video helps you get clear direction on what to do.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
