Over the years I realized that there really is a purpose to math. Math allows me to track finances, keep tallies, and make sense of statistics.
Although many kids of all ages dislike math and the mental discipline it brings with it, that dislike doesn’t diminish its importance. Although math has many uses, one area where it becomes a hindrance is when math thinking creeps into your communication.
When math thinking creeps in, it doesn’t work very well. In fact, it interferes with communication.
Let me give you an example. Some of you think that you can take away something you’ve said after you expressed it. Typically you say it, there’s a reaction followed by a retraction.
My son refers to this as the action-reaction retraction dance. I think his description is on the money.
The “action-reaction retraction dance“, as my son aptly termed it, is a common misstep in communication. This dance commences with the ‘action’ – a statement or comment made, often without adequate foresight or consideration of its potential impact. The ‘reaction’ follows swiftly, usually an emotional or defensive response from the receiving party. Realizing that the initial comment has caused unintended distress or conflict, the speaker then attempts a ‘retraction’. They may insist they didn’t mean it ‘that way’, or even deny saying it all together. However, the damage is already done. The words, once spoken, cannot be recalled. They hang in the air, tainting the interaction and contributing to potential misunderstandings or harm. The dance, thus, serves as a stark reminder of the importance of thoughtful and responsible communication.
By adding the phrase, “I didn’t mean that!”, you take away what was said and assume that the effects are rendered null as well. The problem is that the damage is already done. There is no five-second rule when it comes to communication.
Once something leaves your mouth, the damage is done. You can’t take it back once it leaves you.
Assuming you can take it back like mathematical subtraction doesn’t work. This is what I mean by math thinking. Math thinking messes up communication wherever it’s used.
It doesn’t work in court, with the police, or with your spouse. There is no magic eraser that removes it.
This means that you need to consider what you say. It also means that you need the best tools possible for your marital communication. Without good communication skills, it’s likely that you’ll find yourself caught in the action-reaction retraction dance again and again.
No matter how many retractions or takeaways you do, it never removes what was said from the memory of the person you said it to. They may not show you their reaction, yet rest assured, the reactions are there.
The only cure for ending this action-reaction retraction cycle is with better communication. In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” guides you in developing skills you need for your marriage communication, even on sensitive topics.
Imagine how things will go when you no longer have to ‘take away’ things you said, hoping that they forget.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
