Lessons from an adult film star

In dealing with affairs, I have learned lessons from many people, including an adult film star. Actually, I have worked with several adult film stars, and each gave me some valuable instruction.

Some of you may have had wild adolescent fantasies about meeting with or being an adult film star. The image presented on the screen and in the magazines give the impression of endless pleasure and total satisfaction. In fact, there was the episode back in 2012, where a Minnesota teen attempted bringing a female adult film star to his prom. Although he had high hopes about the episode, it did not turn out like he planned.

You will find that in chasing down those fantasies and that fantasy lifestyle of sleeping with whoever and whenever does not turn out as planned either. The fantasy often adds excitement which never materializes.

As a teen, I also had some of those fantasies. There were imaginations of what it would be like to meet one of them and spend time with them. In those imaginations, I found myself being the object of their affection. They gave me attention and I willingly accepted it.

After becoming a counselor, that encounter finally happened. I finally found myself face to face alone in a room with an adult film star and…it was nowhere near what I had imagined. There in front of me was a woman who was hurting and falling apart. At that point there were no crowds of lover surrounding her and lavishing attention on her. Instead all her former lovers avoided her and were not to be found.

During her time in treatment, she did not have visitors. While the others had supportive family and friends coming to offer support, she was left alone in her pain.  The years of partying and carnal relations had caught up to her. I had to check the chart for her age, since she looked so much older than I suspected. If indulging in the fantasy lifestyle of sexual satisfaction was so great, why did she look so bad and have so little support?

While interviewing her, all the attention was on her and her suffering. This was definitely not the idea I had as an adolescent of how such a woman was interested in me and pleasing me. As a teen, I wanted all the pleasure and now as an adult, the focus is on dealing with her pain.

The silky smooth skin she had in previous years was now scared and leathery. The sparkle and fire in her eyes that the magazine photoshopped was long gone. In its place were dull stares of someone who was lost and alone.

It was a stark realization seeing what happens after the photoshoots, adult club features and films are gone and out of date. The aspiring actress who filled many men’s fantasies was now tossed aside. I wonder if you saw before and after pictures of what I saw, if the adult film life would still appeal to you. If I had not seen her before and after her experiences, I would have had a hard time believing it was the same woman. From the focus of men’s fantasies to becoming an object they reject.

Seeing the end result of such a wild promiscuous lifestyle was sobering. A part of me which had entertained fantasies around that lifestyle in my youth suddenly felt like all the air left the balloon. The images of what I thought it would be like were suddenly deflated, leaving behind the mental and emotional wreck of a woman.  Any fantasies I once held died there and were replaced with a sadness and pity for the remains of a once attractive and lively woman. I am glad that there are organizations out there focused on reaching and helping those who have been destroyed by the adult film industry.

Although her story is about adult film, it has many applications to affairs. The fantasy of what life will be like with the lover is never actually what happens to you. All the satisfaction and joy you imagine will be yours is not how it plays out.  The fantasy adds a lot of excitement. That excitement often keeps you from seeing the real life issues at work until it is too late. The excitement gives you an excuse to avoid seeing the ugly side of things.

Men and women have abandoned their families, jobs and reputations for such fantasies. They find out too late that what they were chasing was unfulfilling. Instead of giving them freedom, they found themselves trapped. The great paradox of sexual freedom, which results in becoming used up and tossed aside.

Rather than devote your energy to chasing a fantasy, you will be better off directing it to improving your marriage relationship. An affair does not have to end your marriage. You can begin work on turning things around today with resources like the Affair Recovery Workshop.

Best Regards,

Jeff