There are times in your marriage you may find yourself asking “Who is in the control room?” This is especially true during times of conflict, and always true when there is an affair. There may even be times you wonder if anybody is in the control room.
Although you may want to think that you are in charge of your own control room, during times of crisis, you find out who is actually in charge. When you live life with a passive mindset, you may think the person in charge is you, yet the reality is it may be someone from your past or programs put into your brain from some outside source.
As weird as it sounds, you may have allowed the influence of outsiders into your life to the degree that when a marital crisis or affair happens, your thoughts and reactions are driven by them. Those outside influences often leave imprints in your mind. Those memories and recollections are evidence that your brain cells made connections and that that outside influence is in your mind.
Everyone you meet and are exposed to leaves a mark on your brain. New connections are made in your brain cells associated with that person. Those connections are like trails and pathways. The more intense the experience or the more often it is repeated, the more well worn that trail becomes.
Those connections are also the basis of ‘tapes that play over and over in your head. They bring up memories and many cases, like a computer virus, start reprogramming your thinking. Some of those programs you may not realize are there until you are in a crisis such as an affair. It is during those moments that those old programs are turned on and take over the control room.
In the case of the cheater, there may be times that programs put in their brain by the lover take over. If you ever wondered “Where did that come from?” or “What happened to that man married?”, it may well be that programs left by the lover have taken over their control room.
The best way of insuring that you are in charge of your control room is to keep your mind active. Be willing to engage and question. Think through challenges rather than react on impulse. Consider things like “Where did that come from” , “Will this help or hurt the situation?”, “Will this bring healing?”
You may also want to consider the possible consequences of your actions, in terms of several moves ahead. An old friend of mine named Andy had some intriguing thoughts on this matter. He had been in army intelligence. One day he told me, “Most people do not think very far ahead. Those who think ahead may consider six moves. That is why I make it a point to think seven moves ahead”.
Although I never mastered the ability of thinking seven moves or even six moves ahead, his counsel reminded me that you need to consider not just the immediate reactions to what you do, but also the actions after that and after that. When you engage your mind like that, it keeps the wrong people out of your control room.
Best Regards,
Jeff
