When it comes to affairs, you do not want things to be ‘fair’. When you approach an affair under the pretense of things being fair, you bring with you the expectation of a giant scorecard where you attempt balancing what is in the cheater’s column with what is in your column. Although on the surface it looks equitable, the danger is that such thinking destroys the spirit of oneness in a marriage. It encourages each of you to consider their interests ahead of each other. That kind of thinking is what led to the affair in the first place. It is not by chance that some cheaters look at relationships in terms of fairness and what is best for them.
A better perspective is what is best for the relationship. Look at what actions will increase the trust, security, commitment and intimacy in your relationship with each other. Looking at the affair from this perspective will help you see what you need to do in a different light. When you look at the affair in terms of what is fair, you may be tempted to do something to ‘even the score’, rather than what will improve your marriage. The mindset you use in looking at the affair does make a big difference. It changes your perspective, it changes your options, and it changes what direction you are going.
It is natural to nurse your own hurts after you were cheated on. In nursing your hurts, the desire to hurt back or make them feel what you feel makes sense to you, since at that time you are very ‘self’ focused. As a spouse recovering from an affair this is one of the traps you will want to avoid. It is not the cheater who makes all the important choices. Your choices also have a major impact on what happens in the relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
